My 21st! & Other Such Stories

i turned 21 recently! yes, i'm an aries baby, i wonder if that has anything to do with my bratty side? i mean, obviously it does.
for my birthday, among other small [and wonderful, awesome gifts] i was given a real collar. my last one, a simple metal ball chain with a ring on it, was unfortunately turning my neck green and irritating my skin. that could be due to the fact that i quite literally never took it off. anyway, the new [and much improved!] collar is made of silver, still a ball chain, with a little diamond-ish-shaped pendant with the words 'i belong to you' in French. it's so romantic, we've decided we just might like to actually learn French. commands in French? might be hot.


i feel an issue, though. one i've mentioned, somewhat, previously that i've still been struggling with. i feel no sexual urges. like, almost literally. i don't feel an urge to masturbate. when B tries to touch me, i reject it. when he takes it, a few minutes in i'm always okay with it ... but to begin with? always rejected.
i think it's stress.
i'm pretty sure it's stress.
i mean, i hope it's stress.
i'm incredibly stressed lately. due to work, mostly. i know that stress can cause a shift in sexual urges, but fuck ... for this long? seems all i ever am is stressed or cranky. i guess that must mean i need a new job as the job is what is causing my stress. i don't have real relationship issues .... 'cept when i lash out, because i'm stressed, and even then it's really unmerited.
sometimes, i feel like the whole BDSM thing is a joke. EVEN THOUGH i've tried vanilla relationships and i know they aren't what i ultimately want or need.

so how do you get yourself into the right mindset?
how do you not laugh when you're told you're being a good little girl, even though that's exactly what you want to hear?

ugh.


i feel like i'm a mess and something's wrong with me.

i really hope i can work through this, and soon, cos it's irritating.
i didn't use to have this problem.
but i am in my twenties now, and though i don't feel a difference between now and seventeen, there is an obvious difference. i'm older, more mature, more physically mature. mostly, i just feel old. is that it? am i having a midlife crisis so far from 40?
the only time i feel real sexual arousal is when i'm stoned.
ugh. i feel like that's a very serious issue. and it shouldn't be.
i guess i kind of just needed a place to vent all this.

HEY, maybe that means i should write in my blog more often! there's an idea!

I Have

a whole new routine and set of rules.

seems my Dearly Beloved was actually listening when i told him what i thought i needed. a dear friend of mine [my beastie x3]

---

i was given a collar [hopefully temporary, cos i'd like something prettier XD] in a pretty informal, pretty hot sort of ceremony. and then i was told to write. i wrote out rules, a dress code, and a routine. there's now three sheets of paper taped to the wall, black letters slanted and written in dying black marker. there's also lamenated cards with punishment markers on them. three strikes you're out on cooperation and attitude. ugh.

it's hard. and sometimes i feel very resentful.

but i think it'll be good in the long run.

i mean, i know it will.

what do you do?

What do you do when you've nothing to write? When you haven't the means to write? I've been so stressed; exhausted. I feel like breaking. These are thing I don't tell my owner. I don't think he'd truly understand, though he would comfort me regardless. I don't know how to tell because I am detached from those things. I feel like a zombie & I'm vaguely aware of the great gnawing blackness of them. I'm gently reminded when the most inane, trivial, unrelevant things cause in me the strangest rections. I feel irritated and angry though there is no cause. I have the strong urge to cry for no apparent reason.

What do you do when you are so detached, you have no idea which way is up?

Do you feel owned?

over the past few weeks, things have gotten pretty lax around here.

sometimes i feel like i'm too much for him to handle. and like he's going to just give up on me sooner rather than later. it's not his fault i just can't seem to accept things sometimes. that i like to lash out and act a bit irrationally. or that i have a tendency to very seriously revert to childlike actions.

today, i think, he had enough.

i'm messy down there at the moment, which naturally limits what i can do to relieve him. i haven't wanted to do much of that at all the past couple weeks, and i can't honestly give a reason why. so today i was told to take care of him. i begged off and asked to do it later, to which i was told 'alright, but you aren't going to like it!'

let me preface this next by saying ... i hate having things in my butt. i don't know why, and i know it's a rather new thing. i've done anal before with old partners and it wasn't bad. with him, it's terrifying and just an awful experience. i don't know what got into my head about it, but i wish i did. the problem is entirely that i can't relax enough for it to a be enjoyable and b stop hurting.

i was on my knees in front of him. he told me to turn around and he put it in my butt. one bead at a time, as it got more uncomfortable, i started to whine about it. i was promptly slapped on the ass, hard. i didn't want this, i wasn't feeling in the mood.
i was told to turn around and put my mouth on his dick.

in the middle of my sniveling, sobbing, poor-me routine, i realized it isn't ABOUT me. it's about him. and how would i feel if i just wanted to cum and he pulled that shit with me? where not only does he plainly not want to do it, but he's making a big chore out of doing so. and once this clicks ... i feel i can't just transition into being a good girl and doing what i'm supposed to and enjoying it, because then my pride will be hurt somehow. then he'll know. i don't really understand why this whole thing is such a hard concept to grasp. this is what i WANT. why can't i just give in?

afterwards, i'm made to look up at him, my snot running down my face, the taste of him cum on my lips and he asks, 'do you feel owned?' and i nod. i do. 'do you feel controlled?' and i nod. i do.

'you can take it out' and i collapse into his lap and ask him to do it for me. i am then told to go wash it, after which i run to the bathroom to hide my humiliation.

it's bed time, but i can't.

i'm not tired.

i can't go in there and cuddle, i still need to think things through! i need to feel broken and used and internalize all that.

i think sometimes i need to be left the broken heap curled up on the floor.

i need those minutes alone to recollect myself, because i never realized i had this much pride.

--

we've decided to start over a bit and slooooow down. we're going to focus on one or two rules a week. i'll have nightly spankings, the number of which will depend on how many infractions i manage to accumulate.

Toys!

today, we went to our first adult store.

not our very first evar, but our first together.
i think that's pretty momentous.
we spent some time looking around and giggling at things. checked out their cheesey BDSM section. we get better toys from Home Depot. *snickers*
we wandered down the anal aisle, b picking things up and me cringing.

at some point the decision was made that either i pick an anal toy, or b would.

when we left the store, i had a brand-new lucid dreams #22 complete with fresh batteries ... and it. a purple jelly set of 'beginner' anal beads.

Absence

i haven't written in a very long time and for that, i apologize. some shit has been going on and i have the worst memory ever.
rather than rush to and post something just to post something, i'm just letting you guys know something's coming. that's a lot of somethings.... but i think you get my drift.

watch for me, little monsters!