Further Down the Rabbit Hole

My 21st! & Other Such Stories

2010-04-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

i turned 21 recently! yes, i'm an aries baby, i wonder if that has anything to do with my bratty side? i mean, obviously it does.
for my birthday, among other small [and wonderful, awesome gifts] i was given a real collar. my last one, a simple metal ball chain with a ring on it, was unfortunately turning my neck green and irritating my skin. that could be due to the fact that i quite literally never took it off. anyway, the new [and much improved!] collar is made of silver, still a ball chain, with a little diamond-ish-shaped pendant with the words 'i belong to you' in French. it's so romantic, we've decided we just might like to actually learn French. commands in French? might be hot.

i feel an issue, though. one i've mentioned, somewhat, previously that i've still been struggling with. i feel no sexual urges. like, almost literally. i don't feel an urge to masturbate. when B tries to touch me, i reject it. when he takes it, a few minutes in i'm always okay with it ... but to begin with? always rejected.
i think it's stress.
i'm pretty sure it's stress.
i mean, i hope it's stress.
i'm incredibly stressed lately. due to work, mostly. i know that stress can cause a shift in sexual urges, but fuck ... for this long? seems all i ever am is stressed or cranky. i guess that must mean i need a new job as the job is what is causing my stress. i don't have real relationship issues .... 'cept when i lash out, because i'm stressed, and even then it's really unmerited.
sometimes, i feel like the whole BDSM thing is a joke. EVEN THOUGH i've tried vanilla relationships and i know they aren't what i ultimately want or need.

so how do you get yourself into the right mindset?
how do you not laugh when you're told you're being a good little girl, even though that's exactly what you want to hear?

ugh.

i feel like i'm a mess and something's wrong with me.

i really hope i can work through this, and soon, cos it's irritating.
i didn't use to have this problem.
but i am in my twenties now, and though i don't feel a difference between now and seventeen, there is an obvious difference. i'm older, more mature, more physically mature. mostly, i just feel old. is that it? am i having a midlife crisis so far from 40?
the only time i feel real sexual arousal is when i'm stoned.
ugh. i feel like that's a very serious issue. and it shouldn't be.
i guess i kind of just needed a place to vent all this.

HEY, maybe that means i should write in my blog more often! there's an idea!

I Have

2010-04-01T20:42:00.001-07:00

a whole new routine and set of rules.

seems my Dearly Beloved was actually listening when i told him what i thought i needed. a dear friend of mine [my beastie x3]

---

i was given a collar [hopefully temporary, cos i'd like something prettier XD] in a pretty informal, pretty hot sort of ceremony. and then i was told to write. i wrote out rules, a dress code, and a routine. there's now three sheets of paper taped to the wall, black letters slanted and written in dying black marker. there's also lamenated cards with punishment markers on them. three strikes you're out on cooperation and attitude. ugh.

it's hard. and sometimes i feel very resentful.

but i think it'll be good in the long run.

i mean, i know it will.

what do you do?

2010-03-02T03:30:00.000-08:00

What do you do when you've nothing to write? When you haven't the means to write? I've been so stressed; exhausted. I feel like breaking. These are thing I don't tell my owner. I don't think he'd truly understand, though he would comfort me regardless. I don't know how to tell because I am detached from those things. I feel like a zombie & I'm vaguely aware of the great gnawing blackness of them. I'm gently reminded when the most inane, trivial, unrelevant things cause in me the strangest rections. I feel irritated and angry though there is no cause. I have the strong urge to cry for no apparent reason.

What do you do when you are so detached, you have no idea which way is up?

Do you feel owned?

2010-02-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

over the past few weeks, things have gotten pretty lax around here.

sometimes i feel like i'm too much for him to handle. and like he's going to just give up on me sooner rather than later. it's not his fault i just can't seem to accept things sometimes. that i like to lash out and act a bit irrationally. or that i have a tendency to very seriously revert to childlike actions.

today, i think, he had enough.

i'm messy down there at the moment, which naturally limits what i can do to relieve him. i haven't wanted to do much of that at all the past couple weeks, and i can't honestly give a reason why. so today i was told to take care of him. i begged off and asked to do it later, to which i was told 'alright, but you aren't going to like it!'

let me preface this next by saying ... i hate having things in my butt. i don't know why, and i know it's a rather new thing. i've done anal before with old partners and it wasn't bad. with him, it's terrifying and just an awful experience. i don't know what got into my head about it, but i wish i did. the problem is entirely that i can't relax enough for it to a be enjoyable and b stop hurting.

i was on my knees in front of him. he told me to turn around and he put it in my butt. one bead at a time, as it got more uncomfortable, i started to whine about it. i was promptly slapped on the ass, hard. i didn't want this, i wasn't feeling in the mood.
i was told to turn around and put my mouth on his dick.

in the middle of my sniveling, sobbing, poor-me routine, i realized it isn't ABOUT me. it's about him. and how would i feel if i just wanted to cum and he pulled that shit with me? where not only does he plainly not want to do it, but he's making a big chore out of doing so. and once this clicks ... i feel i can't just transition into being a good girl and doing what i'm supposed to and enjoying it, because then my pride will be hurt somehow. then he'll know. i don't really understand why this whole thing is such a hard concept to grasp. this is what i WANT. why can't i just give in?

afterwards, i'm made to look up at him, my snot running down my face, the taste of him cum on my lips and he asks, 'do you feel owned?' and i nod. i do. 'do you feel controlled?' and i nod. i do.

'you can take it out' and i collapse into his lap and ask him to do it for me. i am then told to go wash it, after which i run to the bathroom to hide my humiliation.

it's bed time, but i can't.

i'm not tired.

i can't go in there and cuddle, i still need to think things through! i need to feel broken and used and internalize all that.

i think sometimes i need to be left the broken heap curled up on the floor.

i need those minutes alone to recollect myself, because i never realized i had this much pride.

--

we've decided to start over a bit and slooooow down. we're going to focus on one or two rules a week. i'll have nightly spankings, the number of which will depend on how many infractions i manage to accumulate.

Toys!

2010-02-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

today, we went to our first adult store.

not our very first evar, but our first together.
i think that's pretty momentous.
we spent some time looking around and giggling at things. checked out their cheesey BDSM section. we get better toys from Home Depot. *snickers*
we wandered down the anal aisle, b picking things up and me cringing.

at some point the decision was made that either i pick an anal toy, or b would.

when we left the store, i had a brand-new lucid dreams #22 complete with fresh batteries ... and it. a purple jelly set of 'beginner' anal beads.

Absence

2010-01-26T20:25:00.000-08:00

i haven't written in a very long time and for that, i apologize. some shit has been going on and i have the worst memory ever.
rather than rush to and post something just to post something, i'm just letting you guys know something's coming. that's a lot of somethings.... but i think you get my drift.

watch for me, little monsters!

project orgasm

2009-12-11T23:39:00.000-08:00

I'm late but I wanted to go ahead and join in anyway. Fellow Blogger LG created project orgasm to discuss the different ways we cum. Brilliant idea and I've been having fun reading everyone's posts. I don't have a special orgasm... other than the fact that I don't have multiples so I wanted to talk about that.

My all time favorite way to cum is via my owner's tongue. I have no idea what he does but its amazing. My legs are spread and he usually puts his arms around my thighs, holding me to him. He makes me hold myself open so he has unimpeded access to my clit. Then he gets to work with how tongue and magic happens. I feel myself get wetter and I get lost in the sensation, my hips move a little on their own. This is usually when his two middle fingers find their way inside me. I like it best when he ribs hard on that certain spot on the top wall of my cunt, but sometimes he likes to make the 'come hither' motion which is so intense I literally cannot lay anywhere near still.
I sometimes get that 'need to pee' feeling that signifies squirting, but its too intense and I can't relax enough to do it. When my owner goes back to less intense fingering, I literally get lost in the pleasure. Sometimes he has to tell me to cum cos I basically forget. It just feels amazing. No little thrills, tho, just one steady amazing build up. It keeps building until I do cum, and its earth shattering. I usually gush in a puddle in my owner's hand and on the bed. Not huge amounts, but enough to leave a wet spot.
My hands always leave their posts to grip the sheets as I writhe and moan and scream. My owner likes to keep going and drag it out, gripping me in place against him. I cum for what seems like forever, until I think I can't take it anymore, and then it ebbs and returns to the original amazing feeling, just a little more intense on my now-sensitive clit. I can cum again if he keeps going. Takes a little longer and is a bit stronger. My usually owner likes to take his mouth off and just use his fingers to get me back to that squirmy squirty place again. He likes it when I'm half in trears begging him to stop. Then we cuddle. Seems like an odd end but we're both extremely fond of cuddled.

So... that's my favorite orgasm. I hope you enjoyed reading about it and I hope you read the other submissions over at LG's place!
I really hope we get to do other contribution blogging posts. That was a lot of fun!

Urethra

2009-11-29T11:05:00.000-08:00

the other morning, i ran to pee and had that strange almost painful sensation when it was done.

i then felt SERIOUSLY uncomfortable and ran to the bathroom not ten minutes later for another unsatisfying pee.

what does this healthy does of too much information lead to?

urinary tract infection.

i noticed it the morning previous, but it went away about midmorning so i sort of just forgot about it. B and i had really amazzzzzing sex .... and the next day it was rearing it's ugly head. of course, the sex SURE didn't help.

what's a girl to do when doctors are sort of not an option right now?

why, cranberry juice and garlic!

this sounds like an unhealthy alternative to modern antibiotics, BUT it works.

garlic is a natural anti-microbial and we all know cranberry juice flushes the system. so the garlic kills all the nasty bacterias and cranberry juice makes you pee it all out.

it worked because i caught it early enough, when it was just starting, and the bacteria hadn't really had a chance to latch on.

you have to keep an eye on your body, of course, because *if* it doesn't get better in the first couple days, you need a doctor pronto. and i know it's disgusting, but i figured i'd share because when you have lots of sex, as we kinky types are wont to do, it can lead to UTIs or worse, the dreaded yeast infection! i haven't had one of those ever in my whole life, thank Goddess, but i've had my fair share of UTIs. i personally *hate* taking antibiotics. makes me feel like shit. this, however? actually succeeded in making me feel ten times better.

Lovey-dovey

2009-11-29T10:54:00.000-08:00

it's late and we have to go to bed, but i am directed towards his dick by my hair. i take him into my mouth and he moans, just a little. i love that sound, so i keep going. then i crawl on top of him, and put him inside of me and sink down til he's all the way in. i start moving, slow but hard, and he puts a hand on my hip and the other on my side, guiding me. i keep this pace. in the dark, all i hear are our combined little moans and sighs. i can feel the pressure building, mounting, until it releases and i'm left shuddering over him. he kisses me and laughs, then takes grip of my hips and moves me faster, harder, until i'm pushed off and my mouth is back where it started, his cum filling my mouth.

Five Days Later...

2009-11-24T13:32:00.000-08:00

it's not that my rules are hard to follow, it's that i have a hard time not saying 'no'. i think i just want B to punish me. i'd been put in the corner twice for it already, so when i did it again last night i got a spanking. and somehow i felt .... content? afterwards.
i'm not sure that's a good thing, and i'm not sure how i tell him i want him to spank me more often. that seems backwards.
other than that, i think i've been doing really well at behaving and following my rules. 'cept for going to sleep/waking up on time. cos he's been lenient in some respects. i.e. last night, we both fell asleep at 10PM and woke up around 1.30AM .... and didn't go *back* to sleep til 5AM. altho, i tried, i really did. and as a result, i didn't wake up until 2PM. he let me, cos he knew i hadn't slept ... but still! i guess i should just force myself. get myself on schedule.

can someone tell me what it is about being told you're not allowed to masturbate that makes you want to do it even more?!

The Rules

2009-11-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

we had another bad night last night, as far as my attitude and behavior goes.
B has decided he's tired of it, so he told me i was to search through every blog i could find & write down all their rules and punishments, if any are listed. that was my 'homework' for the day. so B came home to something like five pages of rules i'd written down. he then went through and starred the ones he felt were appropriate, changed things, added some of his own. i'm now to reorganize them so that they're legible [he has atrocious handwriting!] and i also felt i'd share them.

thanks to all the lovely boys & girls who's rules i stole! Re-written to avoid plagiarism.
------

1. I'm not allowed to release myself.

2. If I have to wake my Owner, it must be by going down on him.

3. I am to keep my Owner's drink full and refreshed.

4. I am to cook our meals nightly, unless there's a good reason. On nights when my Owner works late, dinner is to be ready upon his return. All other nights, dinner is to be ready by 8PM.

5. On days when I am not working, I am to clean and organize. Dishes are to be done every two days, preferably while my Owner is at work. Laundry is to be done twice a week. I am to fill all empty water bottles daily & make Kool-Aid or sweet tea, so that my Owner has a choice of beverage.

6. I'm not allowed to wear panties when wearing a skirt/dress in my Owner's presence. Exception : Work, monthly, very good reasons.

7. I am to come whenever my Owner calls for me.

8. I am never to tell my Owner no. When my Owner says 'No.' that means NO, I am not allowed to argue. (I have a pretty big problem with this <.<)

9. I am to do what I am told, promptly, and with a smile.

10. I am to always answer truthfully & with haste.

11. I am not allowed to fight punishment.

12. I am not allowed to back talk.

13. My body is my Owner's body.

14. As such, my body is his to use as he sees fit. It is to be available to him at all times. I am not in control of my sexuality.

15. I am to ask before masturbating.

16. I'm not allowed to have lovers outside of our relationship.

17. I am to exercise for at least thirty minutes three times weekly.

18. I am to get ready for work an hour before I need to leave and I am not to be on the computer whilst doing so.

19. Bed time is 1:30AM and sleep is to be done nude, unless I am having my monthly.

20. No naps without permission.

21. 9:30AM is time to wake up.

22. School work is to be done between 10AM-12PM.

23. I am to shave once a week. All bits.

24. If my Owner comes into the bathroom while I am using it, I am to continue my business and not be ashamed or embarrassed.. He is my Owner, and therefor owns ALL of me, even my bodily functions.

25. If I leave the house without my Owner, I am to let him know that I have arrived safely at my destination. Texting is fine.

26. I am to refrain from saying 'okay' and should use 'yes, Sir' in matters of importance.

Punishment

1. I will thank my Owner for the discipline received. Along with what I received and why it was necessary.

2. I will be punished harshly and painfully for any infractions and for willfully disobeying. I must also know that I will be forgiven once punishment has been meted out.

3. Sex does NOT follow punishment.

4. I will receive one warning.

5. My first infraction, after warning, will result in ten minutes in the corner.

6. Second infraction will result in spanking with the implement of his choosing, generally depending on how bad I've been.

7. Third infraction will result in twenty minutes of bound alone time to think about what I've done.

Hobbled

2009-11-19T16:13:00.000-08:00

today, B decided to tie me up. he started right after i'd woken up and i hadn't had a chance to pee yet. after having my right wrist attached to my left ankle, i expressed my need to pee. B told me i could go, but refused to untie me, so i half walked half hobbled to the bathroom, a mere ten or so feet away. as i sat on the toilet, i had to call him in to help me get OUT of the bathroom. embarrassed, and both of us laughing hysterically after many failed attempts, i untied the knot and walked back into the living room.

Terrible Misbehaving

2009-11-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

i was being a terrible, snotty brat. throwing temper tantrums, saying 'no' for no real reason, etc.
we were laying on the bed at the time and B, having had enough, told me to roll onto my stomach. i've been having arm problems [slept wrong, you know the deal] and didn't move fast enough for his liking, so he grabbed my legs and flipped me over. he grabbed my panties by the ass and RIPPED them off. i have to say, it was really sexy. before my mind really had time to process the act, SMACK B's hand hit my ass. then twice more. REALLY hard, to where i flinched and put my hands over my ass as i yelped in pain, tears coming to my eyes. "that's for being a brat," he said as he scooped me into his arms. the next day, i got a pack of brand new panties to replace the one he'd ripped and an apology for having been so rough. which i didn't mind, i just happen to like my panties.

------

however, that didn't seem to make me kick the brat habit. B's trying to break me of the disrespectful attitude i've had, and i can't say i've been too cooperative like i should be. we had the stricter conversation, so i was given a bedtime and a time to wake up [i LOVE to sleep, and i'll do it all day if i'm allowed] and this morning i refused. i'm supposed to wake up at 9.30A so i can do school work from 10A-12P, since i'm currently going online. this was MY idea, and he enforced it because he knows it's important, and i ignored him. i told him to leave me alone and rolled over.
i fell asleep, and a few hours later he'd gone to take a shower to get ready for work. when he came back, i reached for him and he had this ... very unhappy look on his face. i asked him what was wrong.
"is this really what you want?" he said, in deference to our relationship. "cos you tell me you want rules, i give them to you, and you continue to fight me."
"of course it is, baby, i was just tired...." i said meekly.
"cos we can change our dynamic and just be in a regular old relationship," he told me.
"no, no, that's not what i want," i protested.
"well, you say you want me in charge, you want me to own you and control you, but you can't follow a rule. a rule that's GOOD for you and enables us to have more time together," he said, "that's why i did it. so that we could spend time together before i go to work," which made me feel totally like shit. i had no idea, it hadn't occurred to me.
"you've got two days to think about it," he said. so i protested again that, yes, this is what i want. "then you've got two days to prove it to me. and yer not gonna like it,"
"why not?" i asked.
"because you won't be allowed to cum at all," he told me. i was told that if this is what i want, i have to prove it. i have to do what he tells me to, because after all that's what i want. we talked about it a little more on his lunch break, where he told me it's not that he doesn't love me; just if this is what i want, i need to give myself to him and stop fighting.
i didn't think i was being that terrible, but i guess i was wrong.
so today, i'm trying harder.
i'm making sure to have dinner DONE before he gets home, and i cleaned.

Insomnia and Revelationsw

2009-10-26T00:50:00.000-07:00

i can't sleep and there's no reason for it. i'm tired and i desperately WANT to sleep, it's just not happening. there's a million things running through my mind. I start college on Tuesday. I'm not so much scared or worried as anxious to pick up the learning process. I'll be doing the first 14 months online, so there's no anxiety about new people and new schools like i'd normally have the weekend of the first week. I get to pick up my brand new macbook pro and I'm so excited I could spit! I have to confess to nerves about student loans as I opted to pay my interest whilst in school and I'm afraid of not being able to. I haven't started my new job, but I've been officially hired at a wonderful store at the mall! I reallly can't wait to start. I've begun buying much-needed new clothes to supplement my sparse wordrobe and that's not helping. I feel like I'm floating in stasis just waiting for things to happen and it's incredibly frustrating.

because I can't sleep, I decided to read up on my favorite blogs, which I haven't really been able to pay much attention to due to the lack of computer. (I'm still using B's phone and the computer at the library. I've begun reading again, but more on that later. ) in my catching-up, I've noticed some parallels to other girls' situations, thus naming things I previously couldn't explain. things B has asked me to explain that I couldn't.

for one, I got punished the other day for biting. this is generally something I do a lot. just randomly pull his flesh between my teeth and clench down until I'm told to stop. generally, I don't do it very hard, but sometimes... in this case, i'd climbed on his back and bit his shoulder three times tho I was told to stop all three times. The result was me being pushed onto my stomach and being bitten, hard, three times. I don't like being bitten hard - especially not in those places. when it was over, B tried to just hold me and I threw a tantrum (refusing to cuddle and physically pushing him away) which resulted in being bound with my hands clasped behind my head and my ankles attached to the ropes on my wrists until i'd calmed down enough to lay on the bed again.

this has been happening a lot and I've got no reason. I just keep pushing. I think I want him to exert his ownership more and not be so lenient. I want the condescension that comes with having done something wrong and to always know who owns who. Maybe I need more of those spanking sessions. maybe i'd benefit from some protocol. LG said something in a post about having to tell your dom what you need, and I completely see that but it's hard when you don't know exactly.

tonight was good. I shared my latest punishment with a very dear girlfriend of mine; we'll call her amy. she said she imagined me like a puppy with a chew-toy (in regards to the random biting) and couldn't stop laughing. I shared this with B who of course started to scratch my belly and gave me his hand to nibble at. I played along for a minute and snuggled up, licking his face while he petted my hair and told me what a good girl I was. I don't much like the idea of being a puppy, but I liked the obvious ownership and the 'good girl' comments. in keeping with the theme, I was also assigned chores which I liked. I hate cleaning and they're things I would've done anyway, but I liked being told to do them anyway.

I think I need to have that convo with B where I tell him I need him to be more assertive and stop letting me get away with everything - cos I feel like I'll just keep pushing and that's never good.

On Being Put In My Place

2009-10-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

i'm a brat. b knows and likes this and finds it to be cute. as such, i think he's really lenient. i think this is cos he likes to hear me whine. i also tend to act out, so there's been a few times where i've been roughly thrown over knees and spanked or forced to crawl. i like being put in my place. it's just enough humiliation to make me squirm and shows my owner's, well, ownership of me. i don't try to provoke him, tho. sometimes it just happens.

Your's

2009-10-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

i'm on top of him, laying against him as we move. "sit up," he says "and look at me," i do and he grabs me by the throat. "who do you belong to?" he asks. "you," i say. "what are you?" he asks. "your's," i say. "that's right," he says and pulls me back towards him.

Your Sadistic Meets My Masochistic

2009-10-03T15:44:00.000-07:00

obviously i haven't updated since before i left to come see b. i swear i meant to update sooner, but we've been so busy. or i've just been lazy, whatever. my lazy came back to bite me in the ass tho. i went to turn my laptop on and it won't work! i'm working on getting a new xp cd so hopefully it won't be to long. in the meantime, b is letting me use his g1 [thank you, love!] a lot has happened. i think i'm gonna post a bunch of short things since dping it from the phone is difficult. the basics are i'm happy and i'm staying and i'm desprately looking for a job, so wish me luck.

Just a Dream II

2009-09-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

i wanted to post something, but couldn't think of anything worth writing. i leave in three days and that's pretty much consumed me. i'm working in the fields, completely stuck in my head until someone calls my name and i'm snatched back into reality. i imagine it must be frustrating for the people around me who try to carry on a conversation only to realize .... i'm not listening in the slightest.

------

i forgot to take and send B's picture the other night. so the next night, i promised i'd take two on top of the one for the next day .... and didn't send them until the following afternoon.

"you know what i didn't get?" B said. and i immediately knew what he was talking about.
"i'm sending!!" i said, as i frantically took a few pictures.
"too late. you're on restriction," B told me. which means that i don't get to touch myself OR cum until he says so.
he'd even taken his picture for me as soon as he'd woken up and was, i think, disappointed that i hadn't done mine yet.
this was a couple days ago and today he said i *might've* been good enough to be off restriction ... but he hasn't mentioned it since, so we'll see.
i guess this is my first punishment. and it's been hard, cos somehow knowing that i can't touch myself makes me think about sex *even more*.

------

i have to ask permission to masturbate. i think orgasm control is amazingly sexy and arousing ... and yet i had no idea how mildly humilating it is! i mean, i've got a really high sex drive. if i'm by myself all day, i'll touch myself *several* times ... but no one else knew that 'cept me. 'til now. i've asked a lot less than i've wanted to, but i still feel like i'm not supposed to want to touch myself so often or like he'll think i've got TOO high a sex drive [like ex's have] ..... but then he said that if he feels i'm asking too much, he'll just put me on restriction. i like that. i like calling it 'restriction', too. so childish.

seems i've found something to write about ... however, B wanted something juicier.
------

"use me," i sigh into your mouth as you kiss me. you've just walked in the door, but that's alright -- i've been thinking about this all day. you smile against my lips and firmly place your hands on my shoulders and force me to my knees. i look up at you expectantly as you unzip your pants and pull out your cock with a wicked grin on your face. i have about six seconds to ask myself exactly what i've gotten into before you shove your dick in my mouth and it's too late. you fist your hand in my hair and use it to guide my head on your cock, forcing me to take you deep and deeper until i'm gasping for breath. you hold either side of my head and shove yourself as far down my throat as you can go, and i gag. you slide yourself out of my mouth and just as you've promised, you slap me hard across the face.
"remember, little girl, you're supposed to be being good." and you chuckle and fuck my throat again ... this time, i manage to not gag even tho i can feel you hitting the back of my throat. my face is leaking fluids and my jaw is straining from the effort, but i'm trying very hard to be a good girl. just when i think i can't possibly take it anymore, you cum in my mouth and demand that i swallow it, so i do.
i sit back on my heels as you step out of your pants. you then grab me by the hair and force me to crawl to our bedroom where you pick me up and toss me onto the bed.
"on your back, girl," you growl, so on my back i go. as i'm getting into position, you've grabbed a piece of rope which you thread through the loops on my cuffs and tie above my head to the headboard. there's a little slack, just enough that i could be turned over, but not much more.
you put your hand between my legs and discover how wet this treatment is making me as i squirm against your hand. you shove two fingers in my wet cunt and finger me til i'm moaning and writhing against my restraints. then you take them out and shove them in my ass. i start to protest, and you slap my thigh.
"excuse me, slut, but to whom do you belong?" you ask me.
"you, sir," i say. you nod and stick your two fingers back in my ass.
"good girl," you say, "and since i own you, i get to use you in any way i please, do you understand?"
"yes, sir."
you put another finger in my cunt and ever so lightly lick my clit, and i buck against you. i'm vaguely uncomfortable, filled, and it feels so delicious until you notice that i'm close, and you stop.
i moan just a bit, and then you're above me. you push yourself into my cunt as hard as you can. you put your hand on my throat and tell me to shh and keep quiet. i close my eyes, i can't move or speak, i have to completely trust that you'll let go ... and you do, right when you notice me tense as i start to panic. you chuckle and flip me over.
my hands are now crossed in front of me, i'm on my knees with my legs spread and my head down. i'm whimpering as you hold my hips and plunge into my ass. you go slow, so slow, while whispering roughly in my ear that you own me, every part of me, and you'll use me however you see fit weather i like it or not. you push down on the back of my neck with one hand as you start to push harder into me. with your other hand, you're rubbing my clit, telling me to be a good little girl and cum for you. i do, and just s the last spasm stops you cum inside me.
you untie my ropes and pull me into your arms and tell me what a good girl i am.

Cumming on Command

2009-09-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

B had decided he really wants me to be able to cum on command.
so we've looked up some articles and have decided to start trying to train me. he's decided that when i get down there, he's just going to play with my cunt and see what he can make me do. just him and my cunt. i think this sounds wonderful! i like that my owner is very much into making sure i get pleasure.
the downside to this is that ... when i cum, i cum *hard*. i read about other girls being able to masturbate for hours ... i really can't do that, once i go i'm like ... done? my legs shake something serious, i cum that hard. B wants to keep going and just make me keep cumming until i'm shaking so hard. torture through pleasure... sounds wonderful. :]
B has also decided that he wants me to squirt.

i've decided i want to help, so B told me to rub my clit until i'm very close and then stop and calm down, and repeat for an entire half an hour ... and then cum as hard as i can.
as the half hour progressed, the time between starting up again and stopping got longer and i think i really got the 'the point is to *not* orgasm' thing and i really enjoyed it. cept, you know, my clit started aching. it felt so good, i almost didn't *want* to cum! i cut it reallyrealy almosttooclose a couple times, but when that half hour mark finally hit .... omg, i came so hard. my whole body tingled and my back arched, oh!

i think this is going to be a fun experiment.

Rainy Day

2009-09-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

it's rainy and really icky outside today. it's cold and windy and it's literally been raining all day long. not a hard rain, just a constant, annoying drizzle. normally, i enjoy days like this. my housemate and i are making soups and we've got a fire going so we're nice and cozy. we also chose today to start cleaning things thoroughly, so there's books and shit just everywhere. i want to snuggle up with my pillow and take a nap.

i also, for some unknown reason, really really want B to use me.
i really want to be thrown around like a rag doll and objectified, and raped perhaps. i told him this and he very much liked the idea. the problem being the distance, of course.
"i'd force you to your knees and shove my cock in your mouth," he said ... which totally turned me on.
"and fuck my throat til i gag?" i suggested.
"and if you do, i'll have to take it out and slap you, and remind you to be a good girl."
we bantered back and forth like that for awhile. my favorite part being where he told me he would use all my holes til i was sore and he'd make sure my ass was red.
and in ten days, he could really do that.....

------

speaking of which, i leave for my visit with B in exactly eight days from today. next sunday. one week from tomorrow. i've been told i'm to send him a picture every day until i leave, either with my webcam or my cell phone, and if B likes the picture i'll get one in return. so today i sent one of me with no makeup on and he sent me one of him as a reward. he's so handsome, it was nice to see his face in a picture just for me :]

i'm really enjoying how our relationship is developing.
i remember reading something Persephone said about how it should be something that devlopes naturally between two people. i completely agree.
B isn't sadistic, but he's said he'll hurt me if he knows i'll enjoy it. not seriously wound me, but that's not what i want anyway. he wants to take care of me and i really like that.
i don't, and am not going to, call him 'master' or 'daddy' or any of that and am glad that he doesn't ask me to. i do call him 'sir' when i'm trying to be serious or playful, or just trying to be good, and i personally like that.
i don't think i need a lable to know that he owns me, but B did speak of making a paddle with his signature on it, so i'd have it imprinted on my ass. i told him i'd wear his mark proudly.

Just a Dream

2009-09-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

i'm laying with my head on your thigh as we watch TV. you've got your hand on my hip and i'm curled around your arm. i sigh contentedly and snuggle closer. then it hits, that feeling and i squeeze my legs together very gently hoping you won't notice my squirming. i bite my lip and decide to just ask. i turn around so i'm looking up at you.
"sir?" i say, a bit timid.
"yes, sweetie?"
"would you please fuck me?" i ask meekly
you chuckle and squeeze my hip. i'm afraid you'll say no.
"do you think you deserve it?" you ask me seriously.
i think for a second and reply, "yes sir, i do."
you chuckle again and tell me i should prove it and suck you off. i giggle as i stand up and am told to strip. i then get to my knees between your legs as you remove your pants. i come up between your legs and put my hand on your dick. you're already hard so i kiss it and gently suck it into my mouth. you let out a little moan, and i love your noises. i move my tongue around a bit against you as i pull my mouth up and add a hand. i keep going until you grab my head and tell me that you're about to cum and i better swallow it like a good little girl. i feel you tense up and moan as you cum, and i obedienly swallow every last drop.
"mmm," you say, "you are a good little girl! now, i want you to face the couch."
i scoot in front of the couch and put my elbows up on it. i feel you behind me, so i open my legs. you put one hand on my hip and slide yourself inside me, we both gasp. you put your other hand on my hip and pull me closer, holding me tight as you pull in and out of me. i moan and you quicken your pace just a bit.
"you are to ask permission to cum," you growl into my ear.
"yes, sir," i manage to reply.
"good girl," you murmur as you reach across my chest to grab my throat, pulling me closer but not quite cutting off air. with the other hand, you reach around and begin to rub my clit and i moan. you pound into me, not very fast but very hard and as deep as you can go. it's all i can do as i keep myself supported on my arms, that feeling creeping ever closer.
i can feel the pressure building and i try halfheartedly to get away, it feels too good, but you hold me in place and chuckle. i claw at the material of the couch with one hand, and just hold the arm across my chest with the other.
"may i please cum, sir?" i pant.
"hmmm," you say, "i don't know ... do you think you deserve it?"
i moan, i'm so close.
"yes sir!" i cry, as you chuckle.
"please," i moan, half afraid you're going to say no and it'll be too late.
"cum for me, little one," you growl into my ear. and i do. hard. i dig my nails into your arm and am shaking like crazy. i can feel it run down your legs. you thrust into me, hard, as my spasms die down until finally you tell me to turn around and you shove my mouth onto your cock just as you start to cum, and again i swallow like a good girl.
you kiss me and i thank you, and we snuggle back on the couch, still naked.

------

just yesterday, i was asked to be his.
i acceped, and could not be happier.
nine more days :]

Hit fast-forward .... Please?

2009-09-08T18:08:00.000-07:00

i get to go see my love interest [boyfriend? future owner?] in a little over a week.
everything is absolutely amazing.
what i found i couldn't properly explain, he's gone off on his own and researched. and has taken a huge liking to what he's found.
we've discussed the idea of him owning me and he absolutely loves it. even wants to make sure i can always wear my collar -- when it comes time, obviously. we both believe this isn't something we should just jump into.

however, i do anticipate an amazingly good time when i get down there.
i've been told i'll be leaving sore. *giggles* and i'm anxiously awaiting that prospect.

Submissive? Slave? Girlfriend?

2009-08-29T13:15:00.000-07:00

i've found in the last week or so in my attempt to openly and honestly explain what it is that i want and need [and boy, is it hard! frustrating for me in a way he has no idea about] i'm learning more and more. i'm frantically clicking from website to website to find some sort of information that can describe what i'm trying to say and finding absolutely nothing, which of course forces me to further try to put into words my feelings.
i've never been good at this.
i've never been good at expressing emotions, in general. let alone to try to explain to someone that no, i don't mean i want you to beat me senseless.
it does lead to a very important question : what, exactly, does it mean to own or to be owned? what does that entail? it's different for everyone, i know, but still an intriguing question that i can't really answer. i know in my head what it means to submit - to put that person above you, to defer to them, to rely on them, to serve them and make them happy ... but what about the other way? while i can be agressive and such in daily life, i can't really find it in me to be the dominant partner ... and so i have no idea what it means to own someone.

however, some things that i have learned :
- i want to be owned, loved, protected, cherished.
- i want to be more than property, but still less than equal. i want to be the pet and the girlfriend.
- i really like traditional roles. [it's funny cos i was raised by a woman who's a feminist and currently live with and work with a few.] but really, i want the chivalrous prince charming type. i want to make his dinner and do his laundry. granted, with my own life, my own job, my own thing .... but that's what i want in our relationship. to be the 'yes, dear' mrs. cleaver type in my shirtwaste dress and red lipstick.
- i really, really, really like this guy. there are complications to our relationship above and beyond the horrible distance, but i love it. i jump at the chance to talk to him and my heart seems to do little flutters when i see his name pop up. i find myself *quite* smitten.

I met a boy.

2009-08-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

something i didn't think would happen : i've met a boy.

when my last relationship ended [stopped? disappeared?] i decided i wasn't looking anymore. i signed up on CM and i've talked to a few people, but i never actively sought anyone. i almost maybe ended up with a couple people [H & M, for example] but nothing i felt one hundred percent about it. something wasn't right.
i managed to end up six states away from my home and have continued not looking. i have needs and i've met those needs, but i never sought a relationship. then i went to a week-long festival that i attend every year. a vast majority of my circle of friends back home also attends this festival, so i ran into several people i knew.
i ended up getting really close to someone i hadn't really expected to. a boy from back home who i've always been friends with, always had a thing for. but he was always one i'd admired from afar and never dared to think about. once we ended up alone, we discovered we really clicked. and then we discovered we really clicked sexually, too. this is important because i've been in so many vanilla relationships where i'm far more sexual than my partner, and it causes a problem. not to mention i don't want to limit myself to someone who isn't open-minded at this point in my life. i, like so many other submissive girls, want to be owned. i can't expect that from someone who isn't open to the idea. but i digress -- we had *amazing* sex that even caused us to miss a concert we'd both wanted to see. i came closer to cumming than i have in a very very long time, and i had to make him stop -- we discussed it, but that's for another time -- and just ... omg. then we exchanged numbers and thoughts about visits.
i think the texting started almost immediately. as soon as i had service, i texted him as promised to give him my number. we've spoken everyday since and have decided to consider ourselves 'dating.' i've also been given permission to call him my boyfriend, a thought which makes me incredibly giddy. the unfortunate part is that, of course, he lives five states away and is moving to a sixth and even farther state. i've got my plane ticket and i'll be visiting for ten days in september!

he's not what i would consider to be 'vanilla' in the slightest, but the idea of D/s as more than just a game is new to him but he's amazingly receptive and has loved everything i've put to him.
i told him about my rape fantasy, and he's got a whole scene planned for us. i've been given little details, but obviously he won't tell me the whole thing. the fact that he's so into it is very very arousing and i'm excited and nervous to see what he's come up with.
i also told him that i'm a grown-ass little girl and sometimes i need to be spanked. that sometimes i want to be put in my place... a thought to which he's also taken a liking.

i absolutely love that i'm able to express myself and tell him exactly what i'm thinking and what i need. or, close to it. i've always found talking about what i call my 'darkness' is really difficult. i feel silly telling another adult, another person at all, that i want to be slapped, tied up, choked, forced to the ground and forced to submit ... there's a part of me that still thinks it's wrong to think like that. or that he's going to think i'm sick and depraved and not want me anymore.
and everytime, i'm surprised at how willing he is to give me what i need.
i think that we are going to have an amazing relationship. i can already see how much we're going to grow and change together and it's a very very exciting prospect.

i am so happy in a way i haven't been .... ever, i think.

Some kind of crazy.

2009-04-07T13:22:00.001-07:00

i know, i'm horrible with updating this thing.
i never have anything to write!! my life is at a stand-still.

i'm moving back to connecticut at some point this summer. the school i want to go to is in nyc, so it won't be so bad. i know i'll be back, i love my city!

since i have nothing really interesting to write about, i'm going to start posting pictures i've found.
i've discovered a couple AMAZING photographers that i just ... LOVE. like, i would die if they found me & asked me to pose for them. or do makeup for them. just ... i'd just die.

So this one is just of a girl with orange hair, lovely orange panties, and the coolest stockings i've seen like ... ever. i can't remember who the model is, but she's simply ... stunning. i love the simplicity of the photo, too. just her against a plain wall with some awesome lighting. i would really love to look that amazing in a photo. or to make someone else look that amazing, i'm not picky.

Rainy Day Pt1

2009-03-27T23:35:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in the living room, phone to my ear.
'what's the plan?' you ask. you know me, i'm not good at making plans. i giggle uncertainly and suggest the lake. it's been beautiful all week and what could be better than a short hike around the lake? you say this sounds like a great idea & you can't wait to see me.

------

when you get here, i'm not quite ready, as usual. it's cold outside, so i make sure to grab a hoodie. then i run a comb through my hair, put on my shoes, and run out the door.
you're standing in the parking lot, smoking a cigarette. you grin when you see me & encompass me in a great hug before throwing down your cigg and opening the car door for me.
you turn the car on and look at me.
'it's going to rain, you know,' you say. i look up at the dingy grey overcast sky and frown, my only idea is clearly not going to work.
you suggest we go to the lake anyway , as we've got nothing better to do.
when we pull up at the lake, it hasn't started raining yet, so we decide to step outside.
everything's going well, we're chatting and having a great time. then it starts to rain & i start to complain about how cold it is.
'let's go back to my car,' you suggest. we spend the next half hour fidling with the radio station & the MP3 player on my phone. you sit back, exasperated at the lack of good music.
'i should've brought CDs,' you say. 'i should've thought of something better to do,' i say.
during this hunt for music, you've casually put your hand on my thigh ... and i've casually put my hand on top of your's.
we go for another half hour or so with casual flirting, casual touching. looking through eachother's phones.
then you look at me. you take my face in your hands and lean in, slowly, slowly, and kiss me. hard. no tongue, just your lips on mine. my world spins for a minute & i think i actually gasp.
lips part, tongues meet, i think i melt as i put my hand on your neck.
we break apart after what seems like hours & i smile shyly.
'i think i got my lipgloss on you,' i say. you smile & i don't think you care.
you go in to kiss me again & look at me like you just can't get enough. i'm a drug & you need your fix.

I'm trying to deal with it, being different & all that.

2009-03-26T23:51:00.000-07:00

a thousand times i've come to this page & started to write something. a thousand times, i've turned around and erased everything i've written.
i've noticed it's really really hard to write a 'sex blog' when you aren't having any.
the last time i got laid was ... october. and every relationship i've attempted to start has failed, mostly due to myself.
what's a girl to do?

sometimes i feel totally, utterly alone.
other times, i really feel like if i had someone i'd hate it. i'd be smothered or something.
i've been really depressed lately and just ... not in a good state of mind.

i'm looking into schools for makeup artistry!
i figure if i'm depressed, then i'm going to have to fix it.
and what better way than learning things & doing something with myself?

i guess i don't really have anything much to say ... but my last entry being in february made me feel a bit depressed.

2009-02-12T20:39:00.000-08:00

i very technically had my first "play session" on monday.
that thing i dreaded. it happened. it wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it was going to be. but it still fucking SUCKED.

today is thursday & altho my phone is still shut off, i haven't heard from M or H.

i'm starting to think my decision was made for me.

------

i'm going to my first ever munch on sunday! well, hopefully. if i can find a ride.
i think it'll be a lot of fun to meet some new people.
i like pretending to have some semblance of a life.

------

i find myself more & more feeling like a lonely, lost little girl.
feeling a bit like i may never find my way.
like, maybe i'm just destined to forever wander the earth alone.

but you know ... patience has never been my strong suit.
i want what i want, & i want it NOW.

at the same time ... i don't think i'm mentally ready for a relationship to the degree that i want.
i find myself with horrible trust issues i never noticed before.
i want to play & have fun & not throw so much of myself into something that i don't know for sure is going to last. can you have 100% sureity on any kind of relationship?

A Begining?

2009-02-08T15:08:00.000-08:00

this is not my first blog, but it will be my first public blog.
i have another, but i feel that it's not the right place to write my thoughts on or my adventures. partly because some of my readers (AKA my friends) wouldn't understand, partly because that's the place for my day-to-day ramblings.
so i've decided to join the legions of submissive bloggers out there. you've all inspired me!
i am thus far unowned, untrained, inexperienced, & entirely curious. i haven't been told to keep this blog & i don't know the outcome or if i'm going to keep it up. i don't even know if anyone will read me!
i have, sort of, been given permission, tho.
i have a really hard time expressing myself, coming to terms with emotions, etc. so i'm hoping this activity will help me the way it has helped so many others.
yesterday, i met my (hopefully?) future owners. M & H are incredibly nice & really great people. already i know that if nothing more comes out of the relationship, i want to remain friends!

part of this is an assignment from M. he wanted me to think & reflect on some things we'd talked about last night.

------

H came & got me & we got to bond a bit. i really feel that there's a lot i can learn from her.
i really feel that there's a lot i can learn from M, too. & i'm starting to feel like this would be a really great arrangement.

I didn't feel submissive or lesser or anything during my visit. i felt like i fit right in & we were all friends. we had an easy conversation. until it turned towards me. M noticed the scabs on my legs & questioned me, of course. i'm not crazy. i sometimes feel that way, but i know i'm not. i just get dry skin & i scratch. & before i know it (or before it stops itching, really...), i've scratched my skin off. i'm not intending to hurt myself, mind you, it just happens. & then of course, the scabs get all itchy as they're healing & the process is kind of repeated. i also have scars from cutting. while i don't do it anymore, i still struggle with it. cutting is like an addiction, as any cutter (or ex) will tell you. it's something you live with on a day-to-day basis. it would be SO MUCH EASIER to just cut & not deal with my problems the way i'm supposed to.
i don't know why i felt the sudden need to explain myself. i'm not good with vocalizing my problems, tho, so the convo made me uncomfortable.

once M was driving me home, that's when things started to become clear in my mind. i was basically put in my place. M told me to spread my knees, & i was wearing a skirt. my instinct when wearing a skirt is, of course, to keep my legs together. then he asked me how i felt about it. really, i couldn't answer. i blurted back some stupid answer, blushed, & giggled a bit. comedy is my shield, you see. when i'm nervous, i turn whatever it is into something i can laugh at.

once we got to my house, M stopped the car & talked to me for a bit. i guess that's when it really hit me, how things are going to be. he told me i'm not allowed to feel like shit, or worthless about myself. i don't know how he could see that in me [cos naming myself 'nebbish' wasn't enough?] but that's why he is the Dom & i am not. he said i'm not allowed to feel like that because i'm number one on two very exclusive lists. Those lists, of course, being his & H's cos they found me, not the other way. i don't feel worthless. i feel almost ... cherished. very small & little girl-like. & i honestly like that feeling.

i want to be taken care of, somebody's little girl. not in that 'oh i didn't have a daddy' sort of sense, but in that i know i would be completely safe. i think it would be nice to feel smaller & taken care of. a beloved, adored pet.

M made it quite clear what's to be in store for me. i'm totally nervous about it. anal, he says. i don't know why ... well, probably because it's the only sexual thing that i'm really uncomfortable with. as M said, i don't know when it's gonna happen or how, but i can honestly say i'm dreading it. my inquisitive mind immediately thought of research as soon as i got inside. nothing i read calmed me in any way & i'm seriously apprehensive about the whole thing. i read another girl's blog (little girl's submission) & it just made my feelings worsen. i am so completely nervous. but there's nothing i can do about it, so i'm trying REALLY hard not to think about it.

------

i guess that's a good first post.
hope i didn't ramble too much.