i very technically had my first "play session" on monday.
that thing i dreaded. it happened. it wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it was going to be. but it still fucking SUCKED.

today is thursday & altho my phone is still shut off, i haven't heard from M or H.

i'm starting to think my decision was made for me.

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i'm going to my first ever munch on sunday! well, hopefully. if i can find a ride.
i think it'll be a lot of fun to meet some new people.
i like pretending to have some semblance of a life.

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i find myself more & more feeling like a lonely, lost little girl.
feeling a bit like i may never find my way.
like, maybe i'm just destined to forever wander the earth alone.

but you know ... patience has never been my strong suit.
i want what i want, & i want it NOW.

at the same time ... i don't think i'm mentally ready for a relationship to the degree that i want.
i find myself with horrible trust issues i never noticed before.
i want to play & have fun & not throw so much of myself into something that i don't know for sure is going to last. can you have 100% sureity on any kind of relationship?