Saturday, August 29, 2009

Submissive? Slave? Girlfriend?

i've found in the last week or so in my attempt to openly and honestly explain what it is that i want and need [and boy, is it hard! frustrating for me in a way he has no idea about] i'm learning more and more. i'm frantically clicking from website to website to find some sort of information that can describe what i'm trying to say and finding absolutely nothing, which of course forces me to further try to put into words my feelings.
i've never been good at this.
i've never been good at expressing emotions, in general. let alone to try to explain to someone that no, i don't mean i want you to beat me senseless.
it does lead to a very important question : what, exactly, does it mean to own or to be owned? what does that entail? it's different for everyone, i know, but still an intriguing question that i can't really answer. i know in my head what it means to submit - to put that person above you, to defer to them, to rely on them, to serve them and make them happy ... but what about the other way? while i can be agressive and such in daily life, i can't really find it in me to be the dominant partner ... and so i have no idea what it means to own someone.

however, some things that i have learned :
- i want to be owned, loved, protected, cherished.
- i want to be more than property, but still less than equal. i want to be the pet and the girlfriend.
- i really like traditional roles. [it's funny cos i was raised by a woman who's a feminist and currently live with and work with a few.] but really, i want the chivalrous prince charming type. i want to make his dinner and do his laundry. granted, with my own life, my own job, my own thing .... but that's what i want in our relationship. to be the 'yes, dear' mrs. cleaver type in my shirtwaste dress and red lipstick.
- i really, really, really like this guy. there are complications to our relationship above and beyond the horrible distance, but i love it. i jump at the chance to talk to him and my heart seems to do little flutters when i see his name pop up. i find myself *quite* smitten.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I met a boy.

something i didn't think would happen : i've met a boy.

when my last relationship ended [stopped? disappeared?] i decided i wasn't looking anymore. i signed up on CM and i've talked to a few people, but i never actively sought anyone. i almost maybe ended up with a couple people [H & M, for example] but nothing i felt one hundred percent about it. something wasn't right.
i managed to end up six states away from my home and have continued not looking. i have needs and i've met those needs, but i never sought a relationship. then i went to a week-long festival that i attend every year. a vast majority of my circle of friends back home also attends this festival, so i ran into several people i knew.
i ended up getting really close to someone i hadn't really expected to. a boy from back home who i've always been friends with, always had a thing for. but he was always one i'd admired from afar and never dared to think about. once we ended up alone, we discovered we really clicked. and then we discovered we really clicked sexually, too. this is important because i've been in so many vanilla relationships where i'm far more sexual than my partner, and it causes a problem. not to mention i don't want to limit myself to someone who isn't open-minded at this point in my life. i, like so many other submissive girls, want to be owned. i can't expect that from someone who isn't open to the idea. but i digress -- we had *amazing* sex that even caused us to miss a concert we'd both wanted to see. i came closer to cumming than i have in a very very long time, and i had to make him stop -- we discussed it, but that's for another time -- and just ... omg. then we exchanged numbers and thoughts about visits.
i think the texting started almost immediately. as soon as i had service, i texted him as promised to give him my number. we've spoken everyday since and have decided to consider ourselves 'dating.' i've also been given permission to call him my boyfriend, a thought which makes me incredibly giddy. the unfortunate part is that, of course, he lives five states away and is moving to a sixth and even farther state. i've got my plane ticket and i'll be visiting for ten days in september!

he's not what i would consider to be 'vanilla' in the slightest, but the idea of D/s as more than just a game is new to him but he's amazingly receptive and has loved everything i've put to him.
i told him about my rape fantasy, and he's got a whole scene planned for us. i've been given little details, but obviously he won't tell me the whole thing. the fact that he's so into it is very very arousing and i'm excited and nervous to see what he's come up with.
i also told him that i'm a grown-ass little girl and sometimes i need to be spanked. that sometimes i want to be put in my place... a thought to which he's also taken a liking.

i absolutely love that i'm able to express myself and tell him exactly what i'm thinking and what i need. or, close to it. i've always found talking about what i call my 'darkness' is really difficult. i feel silly telling another adult, another person at all, that i want to be slapped, tied up, choked, forced to the ground and forced to submit ... there's a part of me that still thinks it's wrong to think like that. or that he's going to think i'm sick and depraved and not want me anymore.
and everytime, i'm surprised at how willing he is to give me what i need.
i think that we are going to have an amazing relationship. i can already see how much we're going to grow and change together and it's a very very exciting prospect.

i am so happy in a way i haven't been .... ever, i think.