Saturday, August 29, 2009

Submissive? Slave? Girlfriend?

i've found in the last week or so in my attempt to openly and honestly explain what it is that i want and need [and boy, is it hard! frustrating for me in a way he has no idea about] i'm learning more and more. i'm frantically clicking from website to website to find some sort of information that can describe what i'm trying to say and finding absolutely nothing, which of course forces me to further try to put into words my feelings.
i've never been good at this.
i've never been good at expressing emotions, in general. let alone to try to explain to someone that no, i don't mean i want you to beat me senseless.
it does lead to a very important question : what, exactly, does it mean to own or to be owned? what does that entail? it's different for everyone, i know, but still an intriguing question that i can't really answer. i know in my head what it means to submit - to put that person above you, to defer to them, to rely on them, to serve them and make them happy ... but what about the other way? while i can be agressive and such in daily life, i can't really find it in me to be the dominant partner ... and so i have no idea what it means to own someone.

however, some things that i have learned :
- i want to be owned, loved, protected, cherished.
- i want to be more than property, but still less than equal. i want to be the pet and the girlfriend.
- i really like traditional roles. [it's funny cos i was raised by a woman who's a feminist and currently live with and work with a few.] but really, i want the chivalrous prince charming type. i want to make his dinner and do his laundry. granted, with my own life, my own job, my own thing .... but that's what i want in our relationship. to be the 'yes, dear' mrs. cleaver type in my shirtwaste dress and red lipstick.
- i really, really, really like this guy. there are complications to our relationship above and beyond the horrible distance, but i love it. i jump at the chance to talk to him and my heart seems to do little flutters when i see his name pop up. i find myself *quite* smitten.

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