Thursday, February 12, 2009

i very technically had my first "play session" on monday.
that thing i dreaded. it happened. it wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it was going to be. but it still fucking SUCKED.

today is thursday & altho my phone is still shut off, i haven't heard from M or H.

i'm starting to think my decision was made for me.


i'm going to my first ever munch on sunday! well, hopefully. if i can find a ride.
i think it'll be a lot of fun to meet some new people.
i like pretending to have some semblance of a life.


i find myself more & more feeling like a lonely, lost little girl.
feeling a bit like i may never find my way.
like, maybe i'm just destined to forever wander the earth alone.

but you know ... patience has never been my strong suit.
i want what i want, & i want it NOW.

at the same time ... i don't think i'm mentally ready for a relationship to the degree that i want.
i find myself with horrible trust issues i never noticed before.
i want to play & have fun & not throw so much of myself into something that i don't know for sure is going to last. can you have 100% sureity on any kind of relationship?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

A Begining?

this is not my first blog, but it will be my first public blog.
i have another, but i feel that it's not the right place to write my thoughts on or my adventures. partly because some of my readers (AKA my friends) wouldn't understand, partly because that's the place for my day-to-day ramblings.
so i've decided to join the legions of submissive bloggers out there. you've all inspired me!
i am thus far unowned, untrained, inexperienced, & entirely curious. i haven't been told to keep this blog & i don't know the outcome or if i'm going to keep it up. i don't even know if anyone will read me!
i have, sort of, been given permission, tho.
i have a really hard time expressing myself, coming to terms with emotions, etc. so i'm hoping this activity will help me the way it has helped so many others.
yesterday, i met my (hopefully?) future owners. M & H are incredibly nice & really great people. already i know that if nothing more comes out of the relationship, i want to remain friends!

part of this is an assignment from M. he wanted me to think & reflect on some things we'd talked about last night.


H came & got me & we got to bond a bit. i really feel that there's a lot i can learn from her.
i really feel that there's a lot i can learn from M, too. & i'm starting to feel like this would be a really great arrangement.

I didn't feel submissive or lesser or anything during my visit. i felt like i fit right in & we were all friends. we had an easy conversation. until it turned towards me. M noticed the scabs on my legs & questioned me, of course. i'm not crazy. i sometimes feel that way, but i know i'm not. i just get dry skin & i scratch. & before i know it (or before it stops itching, really...), i've scratched my skin off. i'm not intending to hurt myself, mind you, it just happens. & then of course, the scabs get all itchy as they're healing & the process is kind of repeated. i also have scars from cutting. while i don't do it anymore, i still struggle with it. cutting is like an addiction, as any cutter (or ex) will tell you. it's something you live with on a day-to-day basis. it would be SO MUCH EASIER to just cut & not deal with my problems the way i'm supposed to.
i don't know why i felt the sudden need to explain myself. i'm not good with vocalizing my problems, tho, so the convo made me uncomfortable.

once M was driving me home, that's when things started to become clear in my mind. i was basically put in my place. M told me to spread my knees, & i was wearing a skirt. my instinct when wearing a skirt is, of course, to keep my legs together. then he asked me how i felt about it. really, i couldn't answer. i blurted back some stupid answer, blushed, & giggled a bit. comedy is my shield, you see. when i'm nervous, i turn whatever it is into something i can laugh at.

once we got to my house, M stopped the car & talked to me for a bit. i guess that's when it really hit me, how things are going to be. he told me i'm not allowed to feel like shit, or worthless about myself. i don't know how he could see that in me [cos naming myself 'nebbish' wasn't enough?] but that's why he is the Dom & i am not. he said i'm not allowed to feel like that because i'm number one on two very exclusive lists. Those lists, of course, being his & H's cos they found me, not the other way. i don't feel worthless. i feel almost ... cherished. very small & little girl-like. & i honestly like that feeling.

i want to be taken care of, somebody's little girl. not in that 'oh i didn't have a daddy' sort of sense, but in that i know i would be completely safe. i think it would be nice to feel smaller & taken care of. a beloved, adored pet.

M made it quite clear what's to be in store for me. i'm totally nervous about it. anal, he says. i don't know why ... well, probably because it's the only sexual thing that i'm really uncomfortable with. as M said, i don't know when it's gonna happen or how, but i can honestly say i'm dreading it. my inquisitive mind immediately thought of research as soon as i got inside. nothing i read calmed me in any way & i'm seriously apprehensive about the whole thing. i read another girl's blog (little girl's submission) & it just made my feelings worsen. i am so completely nervous. but there's nothing i can do about it, so i'm trying REALLY hard not to think about it.


i guess that's a good first post.
hope i didn't ramble too much.