Do you feel owned?

over the past few weeks, things have gotten pretty lax around here.

sometimes i feel like i'm too much for him to handle. and like he's going to just give up on me sooner rather than later. it's not his fault i just can't seem to accept things sometimes. that i like to lash out and act a bit irrationally. or that i have a tendency to very seriously revert to childlike actions.

today, i think, he had enough.

i'm messy down there at the moment, which naturally limits what i can do to relieve him. i haven't wanted to do much of that at all the past couple weeks, and i can't honestly give a reason why. so today i was told to take care of him. i begged off and asked to do it later, to which i was told 'alright, but you aren't going to like it!'

let me preface this next by saying ... i hate having things in my butt. i don't know why, and i know it's a rather new thing. i've done anal before with old partners and it wasn't bad. with him, it's terrifying and just an awful experience. i don't know what got into my head about it, but i wish i did. the problem is entirely that i can't relax enough for it to a be enjoyable and b stop hurting.

i was on my knees in front of him. he told me to turn around and he put it in my butt. one bead at a time, as it got more uncomfortable, i started to whine about it. i was promptly slapped on the ass, hard. i didn't want this, i wasn't feeling in the mood.
i was told to turn around and put my mouth on his dick.

in the middle of my sniveling, sobbing, poor-me routine, i realized it isn't ABOUT me. it's about him. and how would i feel if i just wanted to cum and he pulled that shit with me? where not only does he plainly not want to do it, but he's making a big chore out of doing so. and once this clicks ... i feel i can't just transition into being a good girl and doing what i'm supposed to and enjoying it, because then my pride will be hurt somehow. then he'll know. i don't really understand why this whole thing is such a hard concept to grasp. this is what i WANT. why can't i just give in?

afterwards, i'm made to look up at him, my snot running down my face, the taste of him cum on my lips and he asks, 'do you feel owned?' and i nod. i do. 'do you feel controlled?' and i nod. i do.

'you can take it out' and i collapse into his lap and ask him to do it for me. i am then told to go wash it, after which i run to the bathroom to hide my humiliation.

it's bed time, but i can't.

i'm not tired.

i can't go in there and cuddle, i still need to think things through! i need to feel broken and used and internalize all that.

i think sometimes i need to be left the broken heap curled up on the floor.

i need those minutes alone to recollect myself, because i never realized i had this much pride.

--

we've decided to start over a bit and slooooow down. we're going to focus on one or two rules a week. i'll have nightly spankings, the number of which will depend on how many infractions i manage to accumulate.

Just a Dream II

i wanted to post something, but couldn't think of anything worth writing. i leave in three days and that's pretty much consumed me. i'm working in the fields, completely stuck in my head until someone calls my name and i'm snatched back into reality. i imagine it must be frustrating for the people around me who try to carry on a conversation only to realize .... i'm not listening in the slightest.

------

i forgot to take and send B's picture the other night. so the next night, i promised i'd take two on top of the one for the next day .... and didn't send them until the following afternoon.

"you know what i didn't get?" B said. and i immediately knew what he was talking about.
"i'm sending!!" i said, as i frantically took a few pictures.
"too late. you're on restriction," B told me. which means that i don't get to touch myself OR cum until he says so.
he'd even taken his picture for me as soon as he'd woken up and was, i think, disappointed that i hadn't done mine yet.
this was a couple days ago and today he said i *might've* been good enough to be off restriction ... but he hasn't mentioned it since, so we'll see.
i guess this is my first punishment. and it's been hard, cos somehow knowing that i can't touch myself makes me think about sex *even more*.

------

i have to ask permission to masturbate. i think orgasm control is amazingly sexy and arousing ... and yet i had no idea how mildly humilating it is! i mean, i've got a really high sex drive. if i'm by myself all day, i'll touch myself *several* times ... but no one else knew that 'cept me. 'til now. i've asked a lot less than i've wanted to, but i still feel like i'm not supposed to want to touch myself so often or like he'll think i've got TOO high a sex drive [like ex's have] ..... but then he said that if he feels i'm asking too much, he'll just put me on restriction. i like that. i like calling it 'restriction', too. so childish.

seems i've found something to write about ... however, B wanted something juicier.
------

"use me," i sigh into your mouth as you kiss me. you've just walked in the door, but that's alright -- i've been thinking about this all day. you smile against my lips and firmly place your hands on my shoulders and force me to my knees. i look up at you expectantly as you unzip your pants and pull out your cock with a wicked grin on your face. i have about six seconds to ask myself exactly what i've gotten into before you shove your dick in my mouth and it's too late. you fist your hand in my hair and use it to guide my head on your cock, forcing me to take you deep and deeper until i'm gasping for breath. you hold either side of my head and shove yourself as far down my throat as you can go, and i gag. you slide yourself out of my mouth and just as you've promised, you slap me hard across the face.
"remember, little girl, you're supposed to be being good." and you chuckle and fuck my throat again ... this time, i manage to not gag even tho i can feel you hitting the back of my throat. my face is leaking fluids and my jaw is straining from the effort, but i'm trying very hard to be a good girl. just when i think i can't possibly take it anymore, you cum in my mouth and demand that i swallow it, so i do.
i sit back on my heels as you step out of your pants. you then grab me by the hair and force me to crawl to our bedroom where you pick me up and toss me onto the bed.
"on your back, girl," you growl, so on my back i go. as i'm getting into position, you've grabbed a piece of rope which you thread through the loops on my cuffs and tie above my head to the headboard. there's a little slack, just enough that i could be turned over, but not much more.
you put your hand between my legs and discover how wet this treatment is making me as i squirm against your hand. you shove two fingers in my wet cunt and finger me til i'm moaning and writhing against my restraints. then you take them out and shove them in my ass. i start to protest, and you slap my thigh.
"excuse me, slut, but to whom do you belong?" you ask me.
"you, sir," i say. you nod and stick your two fingers back in my ass.
"good girl," you say, "and since i own you, i get to use you in any way i please, do you understand?"
"yes, sir."
you put another finger in my cunt and ever so lightly lick my clit, and i buck against you. i'm vaguely uncomfortable, filled, and it feels so delicious until you notice that i'm close, and you stop.
i moan just a bit, and then you're above me. you push yourself into my cunt as hard as you can. you put your hand on my throat and tell me to shh and keep quiet. i close my eyes, i can't move or speak, i have to completely trust that you'll let go ... and you do, right when you notice me tense as i start to panic. you chuckle and flip me over.
my hands are now crossed in front of me, i'm on my knees with my legs spread and my head down. i'm whimpering as you hold my hips and plunge into my ass. you go slow, so slow, while whispering roughly in my ear that you own me, every part of me, and you'll use me however you see fit weather i like it or not. you push down on the back of my neck with one hand as you start to push harder into me. with your other hand, you're rubbing my clit, telling me to be a good little girl and cum for you. i do, and just s the last spasm stops you cum inside me.
you untie my ropes and pull me into your arms and tell me what a good girl i am.

Cumming on Command

B had decided he really wants me to be able to cum on command.
so we've looked up some articles and have decided to start trying to train me. he's decided that when i get down there, he's just going to play with my cunt and see what he can make me do. just him and my cunt. i think this sounds wonderful! i like that my owner is very much into making sure i get pleasure.
the downside to this is that ... when i cum, i cum *hard*. i read about other girls being able to masturbate for hours ... i really can't do that, once i go i'm like ... done? my legs shake something serious, i cum that hard. B wants to keep going and just make me keep cumming until i'm shaking so hard. torture through pleasure... sounds wonderful. :]
B has also decided that he wants me to squirt.

i've decided i want to help, so B told me to rub my clit until i'm very close and then stop and calm down, and repeat for an entire half an hour ... and then cum as hard as i can.
as the half hour progressed, the time between starting up again and stopping got longer and i think i really got the 'the point is to *not* orgasm' thing and i really enjoyed it. cept, you know, my clit started aching. it felt so good, i almost didn't *want* to cum! i cut it reallyrealy almosttooclose a couple times, but when that half hour mark finally hit .... omg, i came so hard. my whole body tingled and my back arched, oh!


i think this is going to be a fun experiment.

Rainy Day

it's rainy and really icky outside today. it's cold and windy and it's literally been raining all day long. not a hard rain, just a constant, annoying drizzle. normally, i enjoy days like this. my housemate and i are making soups and we've got a fire going so we're nice and cozy. we also chose today to start cleaning things thoroughly, so there's books and shit just everywhere. i want to snuggle up with my pillow and take a nap.

i also, for some unknown reason, really really want B to use me.
i really want to be thrown around like a rag doll and objectified, and raped perhaps. i told him this and he very much liked the idea. the problem being the distance, of course.
"i'd force you to your knees and shove my cock in your mouth," he said ... which totally turned me on.
"and fuck my throat til i gag?" i suggested.
"and if you do, i'll have to take it out and slap you, and remind you to be a good girl."
we bantered back and forth like that for awhile. my favorite part being where he told me he would use all my holes til i was sore and he'd make sure my ass was red.
and in ten days, he could really do that.....


------

speaking of which, i leave for my visit with B in exactly eight days from today. next sunday. one week from tomorrow. i've been told i'm to send him a picture every day until i leave, either with my webcam or my cell phone, and if B likes the picture i'll get one in return. so today i sent one of me with no makeup on and he sent me one of him as a reward. he's so handsome, it was nice to see his face in a picture just for me :]

i'm really enjoying how our relationship is developing.
i remember reading something Persephone said about how it should be something that devlopes naturally between two people. i completely agree.
B isn't sadistic, but he's said he'll hurt me if he knows i'll enjoy it. not seriously wound me, but that's not what i want anyway. he wants to take care of me and i really like that.
i don't, and am not going to, call him 'master' or 'daddy' or any of that and am glad that he doesn't ask me to. i do call him 'sir' when i'm trying to be serious or playful, or just trying to be good, and i personally like that.
i don't think i need a lable to know that he owns me, but B did speak of making a paddle with his signature on it, so i'd have it imprinted on my ass. i told him i'd wear his mark proudly.

Just a Dream

i'm laying with my head on your thigh as we watch TV. you've got your hand on my hip and i'm curled around your arm. i sigh contentedly and snuggle closer. then it hits, that feeling and i squeeze my legs together very gently hoping you won't notice my squirming. i bite my lip and decide to just ask. i turn around so i'm looking up at you.
"sir?" i say, a bit timid.
"yes, sweetie?"
"would you please fuck me?" i ask meekly
you chuckle and squeeze my hip. i'm afraid you'll say no.
"do you think you deserve it?" you ask me seriously.
i think for a second and reply, "yes sir, i do."
you chuckle again and tell me i should prove it and suck you off. i giggle as i stand up and am told to strip. i then get to my knees between your legs as you remove your pants. i come up between your legs and put my hand on your dick. you're already hard so i kiss it and gently suck it into my mouth. you let out a little moan, and i love your noises. i move my tongue around a bit against you as i pull my mouth up and add a hand. i keep going until you grab my head and tell me that you're about to cum and i better swallow it like a good little girl. i feel you tense up and moan as you cum, and i obedienly swallow every last drop.
"mmm," you say, "you are a good little girl! now, i want you to face the couch."
i scoot in front of the couch and put my elbows up on it. i feel you behind me, so i open my legs. you put one hand on my hip and slide yourself inside me, we both gasp. you put your other hand on my hip and pull me closer, holding me tight as you pull in and out of me. i moan and you quicken your pace just a bit.
"you are to ask permission to cum," you growl into my ear.
"yes, sir," i manage to reply.
"good girl," you murmur as you reach across my chest to grab my throat, pulling me closer but not quite cutting off air. with the other hand, you reach around and begin to rub my clit and i moan. you pound into me, not very fast but very hard and as deep as you can go. it's all i can do as i keep myself supported on my arms, that feeling creeping ever closer.
i can feel the pressure building and i try halfheartedly to get away, it feels too good, but you hold me in place and chuckle. i claw at the material of the couch with one hand, and just hold the arm across my chest with the other.
"may i please cum, sir?" i pant.
"hmmm," you say, "i don't know ... do you think you deserve it?"
i moan, i'm so close.
"yes sir!" i cry, as you chuckle.
"please," i moan, half afraid you're going to say no and it'll be too late.
"cum for me, little one," you growl into my ear. and i do. hard. i dig my nails into your arm and am shaking like crazy. i can feel it run down your legs. you thrust into me, hard, as my spasms die down until finally you tell me to turn around and you shove my mouth onto your cock just as you start to cum, and again i swallow like a good girl.
you kiss me and i thank you, and we snuggle back on the couch, still naked.



------

just yesterday, i was asked to be his.
i acceped, and could not be happier.
nine more days :]

A Begining?

this is not my first blog, but it will be my first public blog.
i have another, but i feel that it's not the right place to write my thoughts on or my adventures. partly because some of my readers (AKA my friends) wouldn't understand, partly because that's the place for my day-to-day ramblings.
so i've decided to join the legions of submissive bloggers out there. you've all inspired me!
i am thus far unowned, untrained, inexperienced, & entirely curious. i haven't been told to keep this blog & i don't know the outcome or if i'm going to keep it up. i don't even know if anyone will read me!
i have, sort of, been given permission, tho.
i have a really hard time expressing myself, coming to terms with emotions, etc. so i'm hoping this activity will help me the way it has helped so many others.
yesterday, i met my (hopefully?) future owners. M & H are incredibly nice & really great people. already i know that if nothing more comes out of the relationship, i want to remain friends!

part of this is an assignment from M. he wanted me to think & reflect on some things we'd talked about last night.

------

H came & got me & we got to bond a bit. i really feel that there's a lot i can learn from her.
i really feel that there's a lot i can learn from M, too. & i'm starting to feel like this would be a really great arrangement.

I didn't feel submissive or lesser or anything during my visit. i felt like i fit right in & we were all friends. we had an easy conversation. until it turned towards me. M noticed the scabs on my legs & questioned me, of course. i'm not crazy. i sometimes feel that way, but i know i'm not. i just get dry skin & i scratch. & before i know it (or before it stops itching, really...), i've scratched my skin off. i'm not intending to hurt myself, mind you, it just happens. & then of course, the scabs get all itchy as they're healing & the process is kind of repeated. i also have scars from cutting. while i don't do it anymore, i still struggle with it. cutting is like an addiction, as any cutter (or ex) will tell you. it's something you live with on a day-to-day basis. it would be SO MUCH EASIER to just cut & not deal with my problems the way i'm supposed to.
i don't know why i felt the sudden need to explain myself. i'm not good with vocalizing my problems, tho, so the convo made me uncomfortable.

once M was driving me home, that's when things started to become clear in my mind. i was basically put in my place. M told me to spread my knees, & i was wearing a skirt. my instinct when wearing a skirt is, of course, to keep my legs together. then he asked me how i felt about it. really, i couldn't answer. i blurted back some stupid answer, blushed, & giggled a bit. comedy is my shield, you see. when i'm nervous, i turn whatever it is into something i can laugh at.

once we got to my house, M stopped the car & talked to me for a bit. i guess that's when it really hit me, how things are going to be. he told me i'm not allowed to feel like shit, or worthless about myself. i don't know how he could see that in me [cos naming myself 'nebbish' wasn't enough?] but that's why he is the Dom & i am not. he said i'm not allowed to feel like that because i'm number one on two very exclusive lists. Those lists, of course, being his & H's cos they found me, not the other way. i don't feel worthless. i feel almost ... cherished. very small & little girl-like. & i honestly like that feeling.

i want to be taken care of, somebody's little girl. not in that 'oh i didn't have a daddy' sort of sense, but in that i know i would be completely safe. i think it would be nice to feel smaller & taken care of. a beloved, adored pet.

M made it quite clear what's to be in store for me. i'm totally nervous about it. anal, he says. i don't know why ... well, probably because it's the only sexual thing that i'm really uncomfortable with. as M said, i don't know when it's gonna happen or how, but i can honestly say i'm dreading it. my inquisitive mind immediately thought of research as soon as i got inside. nothing i read calmed me in any way & i'm seriously apprehensive about the whole thing. i read another girl's blog (little girl's submission) & it just made my feelings worsen. i am so completely nervous. but there's nothing i can do about it, so i'm trying REALLY hard not to think about it.

------

i guess that's a good first post.
hope i didn't ramble too much.