Sunday, April 25, 2010

My 21st! & Other Such Stories

i turned 21 recently! yes, i'm an aries baby, i wonder if that has anything to do with my bratty side? i mean, obviously it does.
for my birthday, among other small [and wonderful, awesome gifts] i was given a real collar. my last one, a simple metal ball chain with a ring on it, was unfortunately turning my neck green and irritating my skin. that could be due to the fact that i quite literally never took it off. anyway, the new [and much improved!] collar is made of silver, still a ball chain, with a little diamond-ish-shaped pendant with the words 'i belong to you' in French. it's so romantic, we've decided we just might like to actually learn French. commands in French? might be hot.

i feel an issue, though. one i've mentioned, somewhat, previously that i've still been struggling with. i feel no sexual urges. like, almost literally. i don't feel an urge to masturbate. when B tries to touch me, i reject it. when he takes it, a few minutes in i'm always okay with it ... but to begin with? always rejected.
i think it's stress.
i'm pretty sure it's stress.
i mean, i hope it's stress.
i'm incredibly stressed lately. due to work, mostly. i know that stress can cause a shift in sexual urges, but fuck ... for this long? seems all i ever am is stressed or cranky. i guess that must mean i need a new job as the job is what is causing my stress. i don't have real relationship issues .... 'cept when i lash out, because i'm stressed, and even then it's really unmerited.
sometimes, i feel like the whole BDSM thing is a joke. EVEN THOUGH i've tried vanilla relationships and i know they aren't what i ultimately want or need.

so how do you get yourself into the right mindset?
how do you not laugh when you're told you're being a good little girl, even though that's exactly what you want to hear?


i feel like i'm a mess and something's wrong with me.

i really hope i can work through this, and soon, cos it's irritating.
i didn't use to have this problem.
but i am in my twenties now, and though i don't feel a difference between now and seventeen, there is an obvious difference. i'm older, more mature, more physically mature. mostly, i just feel old. is that it? am i having a midlife crisis so far from 40?
the only time i feel real sexual arousal is when i'm stoned.
ugh. i feel like that's a very serious issue. and it shouldn't be.
i guess i kind of just needed a place to vent all this.

HEY, maybe that means i should write in my blog more often! there's an idea!

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