My 21st! & Other Such Stories

i turned 21 recently! yes, i'm an aries baby, i wonder if that has anything to do with my bratty side? i mean, obviously it does.
for my birthday, among other small [and wonderful, awesome gifts] i was given a real collar. my last one, a simple metal ball chain with a ring on it, was unfortunately turning my neck green and irritating my skin. that could be due to the fact that i quite literally never took it off. anyway, the new [and much improved!] collar is made of silver, still a ball chain, with a little diamond-ish-shaped pendant with the words 'i belong to you' in French. it's so romantic, we've decided we just might like to actually learn French. commands in French? might be hot.


i feel an issue, though. one i've mentioned, somewhat, previously that i've still been struggling with. i feel no sexual urges. like, almost literally. i don't feel an urge to masturbate. when B tries to touch me, i reject it. when he takes it, a few minutes in i'm always okay with it ... but to begin with? always rejected.
i think it's stress.
i'm pretty sure it's stress.
i mean, i hope it's stress.
i'm incredibly stressed lately. due to work, mostly. i know that stress can cause a shift in sexual urges, but fuck ... for this long? seems all i ever am is stressed or cranky. i guess that must mean i need a new job as the job is what is causing my stress. i don't have real relationship issues .... 'cept when i lash out, because i'm stressed, and even then it's really unmerited.
sometimes, i feel like the whole BDSM thing is a joke. EVEN THOUGH i've tried vanilla relationships and i know they aren't what i ultimately want or need.

so how do you get yourself into the right mindset?
how do you not laugh when you're told you're being a good little girl, even though that's exactly what you want to hear?

ugh.


i feel like i'm a mess and something's wrong with me.

i really hope i can work through this, and soon, cos it's irritating.
i didn't use to have this problem.
but i am in my twenties now, and though i don't feel a difference between now and seventeen, there is an obvious difference. i'm older, more mature, more physically mature. mostly, i just feel old. is that it? am i having a midlife crisis so far from 40?
the only time i feel real sexual arousal is when i'm stoned.
ugh. i feel like that's a very serious issue. and it shouldn't be.
i guess i kind of just needed a place to vent all this.

HEY, maybe that means i should write in my blog more often! there's an idea!

Do you feel owned?

over the past few weeks, things have gotten pretty lax around here.

sometimes i feel like i'm too much for him to handle. and like he's going to just give up on me sooner rather than later. it's not his fault i just can't seem to accept things sometimes. that i like to lash out and act a bit irrationally. or that i have a tendency to very seriously revert to childlike actions.

today, i think, he had enough.

i'm messy down there at the moment, which naturally limits what i can do to relieve him. i haven't wanted to do much of that at all the past couple weeks, and i can't honestly give a reason why. so today i was told to take care of him. i begged off and asked to do it later, to which i was told 'alright, but you aren't going to like it!'

let me preface this next by saying ... i hate having things in my butt. i don't know why, and i know it's a rather new thing. i've done anal before with old partners and it wasn't bad. with him, it's terrifying and just an awful experience. i don't know what got into my head about it, but i wish i did. the problem is entirely that i can't relax enough for it to a be enjoyable and b stop hurting.

i was on my knees in front of him. he told me to turn around and he put it in my butt. one bead at a time, as it got more uncomfortable, i started to whine about it. i was promptly slapped on the ass, hard. i didn't want this, i wasn't feeling in the mood.
i was told to turn around and put my mouth on his dick.

in the middle of my sniveling, sobbing, poor-me routine, i realized it isn't ABOUT me. it's about him. and how would i feel if i just wanted to cum and he pulled that shit with me? where not only does he plainly not want to do it, but he's making a big chore out of doing so. and once this clicks ... i feel i can't just transition into being a good girl and doing what i'm supposed to and enjoying it, because then my pride will be hurt somehow. then he'll know. i don't really understand why this whole thing is such a hard concept to grasp. this is what i WANT. why can't i just give in?

afterwards, i'm made to look up at him, my snot running down my face, the taste of him cum on my lips and he asks, 'do you feel owned?' and i nod. i do. 'do you feel controlled?' and i nod. i do.

'you can take it out' and i collapse into his lap and ask him to do it for me. i am then told to go wash it, after which i run to the bathroom to hide my humiliation.

it's bed time, but i can't.

i'm not tired.

i can't go in there and cuddle, i still need to think things through! i need to feel broken and used and internalize all that.

i think sometimes i need to be left the broken heap curled up on the floor.

i need those minutes alone to recollect myself, because i never realized i had this much pride.

--

we've decided to start over a bit and slooooow down. we're going to focus on one or two rules a week. i'll have nightly spankings, the number of which will depend on how many infractions i manage to accumulate.

Lovey-dovey

it's late and we have to go to bed, but i am directed towards his dick by my hair. i take him into my mouth and he moans, just a little. i love that sound, so i keep going. then i crawl on top of him, and put him inside of me and sink down til he's all the way in. i start moving, slow but hard, and he puts a hand on my hip and the other on my side, guiding me. i keep this pace. in the dark, all i hear are our combined little moans and sighs. i can feel the pressure building, mounting, until it releases and i'm left shuddering over him. he kisses me and laughs, then takes grip of my hips and moves me faster, harder, until i'm pushed off and my mouth is back where it started, his cum filling my mouth.

Your's

i'm on top of him, laying against him as we move. "sit up," he says "and look at me," i do and he grabs me by the throat. "who do you belong to?" he asks. "you," i say. "what are you?" he asks. "your's," i say. "that's right," he says and pulls me back towards him.

Just a Dream II

i wanted to post something, but couldn't think of anything worth writing. i leave in three days and that's pretty much consumed me. i'm working in the fields, completely stuck in my head until someone calls my name and i'm snatched back into reality. i imagine it must be frustrating for the people around me who try to carry on a conversation only to realize .... i'm not listening in the slightest.

------

i forgot to take and send B's picture the other night. so the next night, i promised i'd take two on top of the one for the next day .... and didn't send them until the following afternoon.

"you know what i didn't get?" B said. and i immediately knew what he was talking about.
"i'm sending!!" i said, as i frantically took a few pictures.
"too late. you're on restriction," B told me. which means that i don't get to touch myself OR cum until he says so.
he'd even taken his picture for me as soon as he'd woken up and was, i think, disappointed that i hadn't done mine yet.
this was a couple days ago and today he said i *might've* been good enough to be off restriction ... but he hasn't mentioned it since, so we'll see.
i guess this is my first punishment. and it's been hard, cos somehow knowing that i can't touch myself makes me think about sex *even more*.

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i have to ask permission to masturbate. i think orgasm control is amazingly sexy and arousing ... and yet i had no idea how mildly humilating it is! i mean, i've got a really high sex drive. if i'm by myself all day, i'll touch myself *several* times ... but no one else knew that 'cept me. 'til now. i've asked a lot less than i've wanted to, but i still feel like i'm not supposed to want to touch myself so often or like he'll think i've got TOO high a sex drive [like ex's have] ..... but then he said that if he feels i'm asking too much, he'll just put me on restriction. i like that. i like calling it 'restriction', too. so childish.

seems i've found something to write about ... however, B wanted something juicier.
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"use me," i sigh into your mouth as you kiss me. you've just walked in the door, but that's alright -- i've been thinking about this all day. you smile against my lips and firmly place your hands on my shoulders and force me to my knees. i look up at you expectantly as you unzip your pants and pull out your cock with a wicked grin on your face. i have about six seconds to ask myself exactly what i've gotten into before you shove your dick in my mouth and it's too late. you fist your hand in my hair and use it to guide my head on your cock, forcing me to take you deep and deeper until i'm gasping for breath. you hold either side of my head and shove yourself as far down my throat as you can go, and i gag. you slide yourself out of my mouth and just as you've promised, you slap me hard across the face.
"remember, little girl, you're supposed to be being good." and you chuckle and fuck my throat again ... this time, i manage to not gag even tho i can feel you hitting the back of my throat. my face is leaking fluids and my jaw is straining from the effort, but i'm trying very hard to be a good girl. just when i think i can't possibly take it anymore, you cum in my mouth and demand that i swallow it, so i do.
i sit back on my heels as you step out of your pants. you then grab me by the hair and force me to crawl to our bedroom where you pick me up and toss me onto the bed.
"on your back, girl," you growl, so on my back i go. as i'm getting into position, you've grabbed a piece of rope which you thread through the loops on my cuffs and tie above my head to the headboard. there's a little slack, just enough that i could be turned over, but not much more.
you put your hand between my legs and discover how wet this treatment is making me as i squirm against your hand. you shove two fingers in my wet cunt and finger me til i'm moaning and writhing against my restraints. then you take them out and shove them in my ass. i start to protest, and you slap my thigh.
"excuse me, slut, but to whom do you belong?" you ask me.
"you, sir," i say. you nod and stick your two fingers back in my ass.
"good girl," you say, "and since i own you, i get to use you in any way i please, do you understand?"
"yes, sir."
you put another finger in my cunt and ever so lightly lick my clit, and i buck against you. i'm vaguely uncomfortable, filled, and it feels so delicious until you notice that i'm close, and you stop.
i moan just a bit, and then you're above me. you push yourself into my cunt as hard as you can. you put your hand on my throat and tell me to shh and keep quiet. i close my eyes, i can't move or speak, i have to completely trust that you'll let go ... and you do, right when you notice me tense as i start to panic. you chuckle and flip me over.
my hands are now crossed in front of me, i'm on my knees with my legs spread and my head down. i'm whimpering as you hold my hips and plunge into my ass. you go slow, so slow, while whispering roughly in my ear that you own me, every part of me, and you'll use me however you see fit weather i like it or not. you push down on the back of my neck with one hand as you start to push harder into me. with your other hand, you're rubbing my clit, telling me to be a good little girl and cum for you. i do, and just s the last spasm stops you cum inside me.
you untie my ropes and pull me into your arms and tell me what a good girl i am.

Just a Dream

i'm laying with my head on your thigh as we watch TV. you've got your hand on my hip and i'm curled around your arm. i sigh contentedly and snuggle closer. then it hits, that feeling and i squeeze my legs together very gently hoping you won't notice my squirming. i bite my lip and decide to just ask. i turn around so i'm looking up at you.
"sir?" i say, a bit timid.
"yes, sweetie?"
"would you please fuck me?" i ask meekly
you chuckle and squeeze my hip. i'm afraid you'll say no.
"do you think you deserve it?" you ask me seriously.
i think for a second and reply, "yes sir, i do."
you chuckle again and tell me i should prove it and suck you off. i giggle as i stand up and am told to strip. i then get to my knees between your legs as you remove your pants. i come up between your legs and put my hand on your dick. you're already hard so i kiss it and gently suck it into my mouth. you let out a little moan, and i love your noises. i move my tongue around a bit against you as i pull my mouth up and add a hand. i keep going until you grab my head and tell me that you're about to cum and i better swallow it like a good little girl. i feel you tense up and moan as you cum, and i obedienly swallow every last drop.
"mmm," you say, "you are a good little girl! now, i want you to face the couch."
i scoot in front of the couch and put my elbows up on it. i feel you behind me, so i open my legs. you put one hand on my hip and slide yourself inside me, we both gasp. you put your other hand on my hip and pull me closer, holding me tight as you pull in and out of me. i moan and you quicken your pace just a bit.
"you are to ask permission to cum," you growl into my ear.
"yes, sir," i manage to reply.
"good girl," you murmur as you reach across my chest to grab my throat, pulling me closer but not quite cutting off air. with the other hand, you reach around and begin to rub my clit and i moan. you pound into me, not very fast but very hard and as deep as you can go. it's all i can do as i keep myself supported on my arms, that feeling creeping ever closer.
i can feel the pressure building and i try halfheartedly to get away, it feels too good, but you hold me in place and chuckle. i claw at the material of the couch with one hand, and just hold the arm across my chest with the other.
"may i please cum, sir?" i pant.
"hmmm," you say, "i don't know ... do you think you deserve it?"
i moan, i'm so close.
"yes sir!" i cry, as you chuckle.
"please," i moan, half afraid you're going to say no and it'll be too late.
"cum for me, little one," you growl into my ear. and i do. hard. i dig my nails into your arm and am shaking like crazy. i can feel it run down your legs. you thrust into me, hard, as my spasms die down until finally you tell me to turn around and you shove my mouth onto your cock just as you start to cum, and again i swallow like a good girl.
you kiss me and i thank you, and we snuggle back on the couch, still naked.



------

just yesterday, i was asked to be his.
i acceped, and could not be happier.
nine more days :]