Monday, October 26, 2009

Insomnia and Revelationsw

i can't sleep and there's no reason for it. i'm tired and i desperately WANT to sleep, it's just not happening. there's a million things running through my mind. I start college on Tuesday. I'm not so much scared or worried as anxious to pick up the learning process. I'll be doing the first 14 months online, so there's no anxiety about new people and new schools like i'd normally have the weekend of the first week. I get to pick up my brand new macbook pro and I'm so excited I could spit! I have to confess to nerves about student loans as I opted to pay my interest whilst in school and I'm afraid of not being able to. I haven't started my new job, but I've been officially hired at a wonderful store at the mall! I reallly can't wait to start. I've begun buying much-needed new clothes to supplement my sparse wordrobe and that's not helping. I feel like I'm floating in stasis just waiting for things to happen and it's incredibly frustrating.

because I can't sleep, I decided to read up on my favorite blogs, which I haven't really been able to pay much attention to due to the lack of computer. (I'm still using B's phone and the computer at the library. I've begun reading again, but more on that later. ) in my catching-up, I've noticed some parallels to other girls' situations, thus naming things I previously couldn't explain. things B has asked me to explain that I couldn't.

for one, I got punished the other day for biting. this is generally something I do a lot. just randomly pull his flesh between my teeth and clench down until I'm told to stop. generally, I don't do it very hard, but sometimes... in this case, i'd climbed on his back and bit his shoulder three times tho I was told to stop all three times. The result was me being pushed onto my stomach and being bitten, hard, three times. I don't like being bitten hard - especially not in those places. when it was over, B tried to just hold me and I threw a tantrum (refusing to cuddle and physically pushing him away) which resulted in being bound with my hands clasped behind my head and my ankles attached to the ropes on my wrists until i'd calmed down enough to lay on the bed again.

this has been happening a lot and I've got no reason. I just keep pushing. I think I want him to exert his ownership more and not be so lenient. I want the condescension that comes with having done something wrong and to always know who owns who. Maybe I need more of those spanking sessions. maybe i'd benefit from some protocol. LG said something in a post about having to tell your dom what you need, and I completely see that but it's hard when you don't know exactly.

tonight was good. I shared my latest punishment with a very dear girlfriend of mine; we'll call her amy. she said she imagined me like a puppy with a chew-toy (in regards to the random biting) and couldn't stop laughing. I shared this with B who of course started to scratch my belly and gave me his hand to nibble at. I played along for a minute and snuggled up, licking his face while he petted my hair and told me what a good girl I was. I don't much like the idea of being a puppy, but I liked the obvious ownership and the 'good girl' comments. in keeping with the theme, I was also assigned chores which I liked. I hate cleaning and they're things I would've done anyway, but I liked being told to do them anyway.

I think I need to have that convo with B where I tell him I need him to be more assertive and stop letting me get away with everything - cos I feel like I'll just keep pushing and that's never good.


  1. In my first d/s relationship, I misbehaved a lot. I'd throw tantrums, deliberately disobey rules, insult my dom, etc. I believe I was doing it simply to evoke a response from him. I wanted him to put me in my place and punish/play with me. I wanted his attention and knew acting out was a way of getting it. After a while, he figured out the best punishment for me: ignoring me and not "rewarding" my misbehavior with what I wanted (his attention).

    It's definitely not a good way to go about getting what you want. It may be cute sometimes and a power struggle that leads to you being put in your place (as is what happened with your latest punishment) can totally be hot. However after a while (or if it happens all the time), it's tiresome for both dom and sub and you don't always get what you want/need.

    I've learned a lot since my first d/s relationship. Now, if I want to be played with, I say something. If I'm feeling insecure about the relationship, I say something. It all gets talked out. I've found it works much better this way.

    Also, I agree with you about the protocols. Although mine are pretty much second nature to me now, they haven't lost their effectiveness and still help put me in the right headspace.

    Much love! <3

  2. Can completely relate on insomnia & anxiety about school, loans and work. I am in fact in that situation right now. Hope it works out.