I Have

a whole new routine and set of rules.

seems my Dearly Beloved was actually listening when i told him what i thought i needed. a dear friend of mine [my beastie x3]

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i was given a collar [hopefully temporary, cos i'd like something prettier XD] in a pretty informal, pretty hot sort of ceremony. and then i was told to write. i wrote out rules, a dress code, and a routine. there's now three sheets of paper taped to the wall, black letters slanted and written in dying black marker. there's also lamenated cards with punishment markers on them. three strikes you're out on cooperation and attitude. ugh.

it's hard. and sometimes i feel very resentful.

but i think it'll be good in the long run.

i mean, i know it will.

what do you do?

What do you do when you've nothing to write? When you haven't the means to write? I've been so stressed; exhausted. I feel like breaking. These are thing I don't tell my owner. I don't think he'd truly understand, though he would comfort me regardless. I don't know how to tell because I am detached from those things. I feel like a zombie & I'm vaguely aware of the great gnawing blackness of them. I'm gently reminded when the most inane, trivial, unrelevant things cause in me the strangest rections. I feel irritated and angry though there is no cause. I have the strong urge to cry for no apparent reason.

What do you do when you are so detached, you have no idea which way is up?

Do you feel owned?

over the past few weeks, things have gotten pretty lax around here.

sometimes i feel like i'm too much for him to handle. and like he's going to just give up on me sooner rather than later. it's not his fault i just can't seem to accept things sometimes. that i like to lash out and act a bit irrationally. or that i have a tendency to very seriously revert to childlike actions.

today, i think, he had enough.

i'm messy down there at the moment, which naturally limits what i can do to relieve him. i haven't wanted to do much of that at all the past couple weeks, and i can't honestly give a reason why. so today i was told to take care of him. i begged off and asked to do it later, to which i was told 'alright, but you aren't going to like it!'

let me preface this next by saying ... i hate having things in my butt. i don't know why, and i know it's a rather new thing. i've done anal before with old partners and it wasn't bad. with him, it's terrifying and just an awful experience. i don't know what got into my head about it, but i wish i did. the problem is entirely that i can't relax enough for it to a be enjoyable and b stop hurting.

i was on my knees in front of him. he told me to turn around and he put it in my butt. one bead at a time, as it got more uncomfortable, i started to whine about it. i was promptly slapped on the ass, hard. i didn't want this, i wasn't feeling in the mood.
i was told to turn around and put my mouth on his dick.

in the middle of my sniveling, sobbing, poor-me routine, i realized it isn't ABOUT me. it's about him. and how would i feel if i just wanted to cum and he pulled that shit with me? where not only does he plainly not want to do it, but he's making a big chore out of doing so. and once this clicks ... i feel i can't just transition into being a good girl and doing what i'm supposed to and enjoying it, because then my pride will be hurt somehow. then he'll know. i don't really understand why this whole thing is such a hard concept to grasp. this is what i WANT. why can't i just give in?

afterwards, i'm made to look up at him, my snot running down my face, the taste of him cum on my lips and he asks, 'do you feel owned?' and i nod. i do. 'do you feel controlled?' and i nod. i do.

'you can take it out' and i collapse into his lap and ask him to do it for me. i am then told to go wash it, after which i run to the bathroom to hide my humiliation.

it's bed time, but i can't.

i'm not tired.

i can't go in there and cuddle, i still need to think things through! i need to feel broken and used and internalize all that.

i think sometimes i need to be left the broken heap curled up on the floor.

i need those minutes alone to recollect myself, because i never realized i had this much pride.

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we've decided to start over a bit and slooooow down. we're going to focus on one or two rules a week. i'll have nightly spankings, the number of which will depend on how many infractions i manage to accumulate.

Lovey-dovey

it's late and we have to go to bed, but i am directed towards his dick by my hair. i take him into my mouth and he moans, just a little. i love that sound, so i keep going. then i crawl on top of him, and put him inside of me and sink down til he's all the way in. i start moving, slow but hard, and he puts a hand on my hip and the other on my side, guiding me. i keep this pace. in the dark, all i hear are our combined little moans and sighs. i can feel the pressure building, mounting, until it releases and i'm left shuddering over him. he kisses me and laughs, then takes grip of my hips and moves me faster, harder, until i'm pushed off and my mouth is back where it started, his cum filling my mouth.

Five Days Later...

it's not that my rules are hard to follow, it's that i have a hard time not saying 'no'. i think i just want B to punish me. i'd been put in the corner twice for it already, so when i did it again last night i got a spanking. and somehow i felt .... content? afterwards.
i'm not sure that's a good thing, and i'm not sure how i tell him i want him to spank me more often. that seems backwards.
other than that, i think i've been doing really well at behaving and following my rules. 'cept for going to sleep/waking up on time. cos he's been lenient in some respects. i.e. last night, we both fell asleep at 10PM and woke up around 1.30AM .... and didn't go *back* to sleep til 5AM. altho, i tried, i really did. and as a result, i didn't wake up until 2PM. he let me, cos he knew i hadn't slept ... but still! i guess i should just force myself. get myself on schedule.

can someone tell me what it is about being told you're not allowed to masturbate that makes you want to do it even more?!

Insomnia and Revelationsw

i can't sleep and there's no reason for it. i'm tired and i desperately WANT to sleep, it's just not happening. there's a million things running through my mind. I start college on Tuesday. I'm not so much scared or worried as anxious to pick up the learning process. I'll be doing the first 14 months online, so there's no anxiety about new people and new schools like i'd normally have the weekend of the first week. I get to pick up my brand new macbook pro and I'm so excited I could spit! I have to confess to nerves about student loans as I opted to pay my interest whilst in school and I'm afraid of not being able to. I haven't started my new job, but I've been officially hired at a wonderful store at the mall! I reallly can't wait to start. I've begun buying much-needed new clothes to supplement my sparse wordrobe and that's not helping. I feel like I'm floating in stasis just waiting for things to happen and it's incredibly frustrating.




because I can't sleep, I decided to read up on my favorite blogs, which I haven't really been able to pay much attention to due to the lack of computer. (I'm still using B's phone and the computer at the library. I've begun reading again, but more on that later. ) in my catching-up, I've noticed some parallels to other girls' situations, thus naming things I previously couldn't explain. things B has asked me to explain that I couldn't.


for one, I got punished the other day for biting. this is generally something I do a lot. just randomly pull his flesh between my teeth and clench down until I'm told to stop. generally, I don't do it very hard, but sometimes... in this case, i'd climbed on his back and bit his shoulder three times tho I was told to stop all three times. The result was me being pushed onto my stomach and being bitten, hard, three times. I don't like being bitten hard - especially not in those places. when it was over, B tried to just hold me and I threw a tantrum (refusing to cuddle and physically pushing him away) which resulted in being bound with my hands clasped behind my head and my ankles attached to the ropes on my wrists until i'd calmed down enough to lay on the bed again.


this has been happening a lot and I've got no reason. I just keep pushing. I think I want him to exert his ownership more and not be so lenient. I want the condescension that comes with having done something wrong and to always know who owns who. Maybe I need more of those spanking sessions. maybe i'd benefit from some protocol. LG said something in a post about having to tell your dom what you need, and I completely see that but it's hard when you don't know exactly.


tonight was good. I shared my latest punishment with a very dear girlfriend of mine; we'll call her amy. she said she imagined me like a puppy with a chew-toy (in regards to the random biting) and couldn't stop laughing. I shared this with B who of course started to scratch my belly and gave me his hand to nibble at. I played along for a minute and snuggled up, licking his face while he petted my hair and told me what a good girl I was. I don't much like the idea of being a puppy, but I liked the obvious ownership and the 'good girl' comments. in keeping with the theme, I was also assigned chores which I liked. I hate cleaning and they're things I would've done anyway, but I liked being told to do them anyway.




I think I need to have that convo with B where I tell him I need him to be more assertive and stop letting me get away with everything - cos I feel like I'll just keep pushing and that's never good.

On Being Put In My Place

i'm a brat. b knows and likes this and finds it to be cute. as such, i think he's really lenient. i think this is cos he likes to hear me whine. i also tend to act out, so there's been a few times where i've been roughly thrown over knees and spanked or forced to crawl. i like being put in my place. it's just enough humiliation to make me squirm and shows my owner's, well, ownership of me. i don't try to provoke him, tho. sometimes it just happens.

Your's

i'm on top of him, laying against him as we move. "sit up," he says "and look at me," i do and he grabs me by the throat. "who do you belong to?" he asks. "you," i say. "what are you?" he asks. "your's," i say. "that's right," he says and pulls me back towards him.

Your Sadistic Meets My Masochistic

obviously i haven't updated since before i left to come see b. i swear i meant to update sooner, but we've been so busy. or i've just been lazy, whatever. my lazy came back to bite me in the ass tho. i went to turn my laptop on and it won't work! i'm working on getting a new xp cd so hopefully it won't be to long. in the meantime, b is letting me use his g1 [thank you, love!] a lot has happened. i think i'm gonna post a bunch of short things since dping it from the phone is difficult. the basics are i'm happy and i'm staying and i'm desprately looking for a job, so wish me luck.

Just a Dream II

i wanted to post something, but couldn't think of anything worth writing. i leave in three days and that's pretty much consumed me. i'm working in the fields, completely stuck in my head until someone calls my name and i'm snatched back into reality. i imagine it must be frustrating for the people around me who try to carry on a conversation only to realize .... i'm not listening in the slightest.

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i forgot to take and send B's picture the other night. so the next night, i promised i'd take two on top of the one for the next day .... and didn't send them until the following afternoon.

"you know what i didn't get?" B said. and i immediately knew what he was talking about.
"i'm sending!!" i said, as i frantically took a few pictures.
"too late. you're on restriction," B told me. which means that i don't get to touch myself OR cum until he says so.
he'd even taken his picture for me as soon as he'd woken up and was, i think, disappointed that i hadn't done mine yet.
this was a couple days ago and today he said i *might've* been good enough to be off restriction ... but he hasn't mentioned it since, so we'll see.
i guess this is my first punishment. and it's been hard, cos somehow knowing that i can't touch myself makes me think about sex *even more*.

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i have to ask permission to masturbate. i think orgasm control is amazingly sexy and arousing ... and yet i had no idea how mildly humilating it is! i mean, i've got a really high sex drive. if i'm by myself all day, i'll touch myself *several* times ... but no one else knew that 'cept me. 'til now. i've asked a lot less than i've wanted to, but i still feel like i'm not supposed to want to touch myself so often or like he'll think i've got TOO high a sex drive [like ex's have] ..... but then he said that if he feels i'm asking too much, he'll just put me on restriction. i like that. i like calling it 'restriction', too. so childish.

seems i've found something to write about ... however, B wanted something juicier.
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"use me," i sigh into your mouth as you kiss me. you've just walked in the door, but that's alright -- i've been thinking about this all day. you smile against my lips and firmly place your hands on my shoulders and force me to my knees. i look up at you expectantly as you unzip your pants and pull out your cock with a wicked grin on your face. i have about six seconds to ask myself exactly what i've gotten into before you shove your dick in my mouth and it's too late. you fist your hand in my hair and use it to guide my head on your cock, forcing me to take you deep and deeper until i'm gasping for breath. you hold either side of my head and shove yourself as far down my throat as you can go, and i gag. you slide yourself out of my mouth and just as you've promised, you slap me hard across the face.
"remember, little girl, you're supposed to be being good." and you chuckle and fuck my throat again ... this time, i manage to not gag even tho i can feel you hitting the back of my throat. my face is leaking fluids and my jaw is straining from the effort, but i'm trying very hard to be a good girl. just when i think i can't possibly take it anymore, you cum in my mouth and demand that i swallow it, so i do.
i sit back on my heels as you step out of your pants. you then grab me by the hair and force me to crawl to our bedroom where you pick me up and toss me onto the bed.
"on your back, girl," you growl, so on my back i go. as i'm getting into position, you've grabbed a piece of rope which you thread through the loops on my cuffs and tie above my head to the headboard. there's a little slack, just enough that i could be turned over, but not much more.
you put your hand between my legs and discover how wet this treatment is making me as i squirm against your hand. you shove two fingers in my wet cunt and finger me til i'm moaning and writhing against my restraints. then you take them out and shove them in my ass. i start to protest, and you slap my thigh.
"excuse me, slut, but to whom do you belong?" you ask me.
"you, sir," i say. you nod and stick your two fingers back in my ass.
"good girl," you say, "and since i own you, i get to use you in any way i please, do you understand?"
"yes, sir."
you put another finger in my cunt and ever so lightly lick my clit, and i buck against you. i'm vaguely uncomfortable, filled, and it feels so delicious until you notice that i'm close, and you stop.
i moan just a bit, and then you're above me. you push yourself into my cunt as hard as you can. you put your hand on my throat and tell me to shh and keep quiet. i close my eyes, i can't move or speak, i have to completely trust that you'll let go ... and you do, right when you notice me tense as i start to panic. you chuckle and flip me over.
my hands are now crossed in front of me, i'm on my knees with my legs spread and my head down. i'm whimpering as you hold my hips and plunge into my ass. you go slow, so slow, while whispering roughly in my ear that you own me, every part of me, and you'll use me however you see fit weather i like it or not. you push down on the back of my neck with one hand as you start to push harder into me. with your other hand, you're rubbing my clit, telling me to be a good little girl and cum for you. i do, and just s the last spasm stops you cum inside me.
you untie my ropes and pull me into your arms and tell me what a good girl i am.

Cumming on Command

B had decided he really wants me to be able to cum on command.
so we've looked up some articles and have decided to start trying to train me. he's decided that when i get down there, he's just going to play with my cunt and see what he can make me do. just him and my cunt. i think this sounds wonderful! i like that my owner is very much into making sure i get pleasure.
the downside to this is that ... when i cum, i cum *hard*. i read about other girls being able to masturbate for hours ... i really can't do that, once i go i'm like ... done? my legs shake something serious, i cum that hard. B wants to keep going and just make me keep cumming until i'm shaking so hard. torture through pleasure... sounds wonderful. :]
B has also decided that he wants me to squirt.

i've decided i want to help, so B told me to rub my clit until i'm very close and then stop and calm down, and repeat for an entire half an hour ... and then cum as hard as i can.
as the half hour progressed, the time between starting up again and stopping got longer and i think i really got the 'the point is to *not* orgasm' thing and i really enjoyed it. cept, you know, my clit started aching. it felt so good, i almost didn't *want* to cum! i cut it reallyrealy almosttooclose a couple times, but when that half hour mark finally hit .... omg, i came so hard. my whole body tingled and my back arched, oh!


i think this is going to be a fun experiment.