Do you feel owned?

over the past few weeks, things have gotten pretty lax around here.

sometimes i feel like i'm too much for him to handle. and like he's going to just give up on me sooner rather than later. it's not his fault i just can't seem to accept things sometimes. that i like to lash out and act a bit irrationally. or that i have a tendency to very seriously revert to childlike actions.

today, i think, he had enough.

i'm messy down there at the moment, which naturally limits what i can do to relieve him. i haven't wanted to do much of that at all the past couple weeks, and i can't honestly give a reason why. so today i was told to take care of him. i begged off and asked to do it later, to which i was told 'alright, but you aren't going to like it!'

let me preface this next by saying ... i hate having things in my butt. i don't know why, and i know it's a rather new thing. i've done anal before with old partners and it wasn't bad. with him, it's terrifying and just an awful experience. i don't know what got into my head about it, but i wish i did. the problem is entirely that i can't relax enough for it to a be enjoyable and b stop hurting.

i was on my knees in front of him. he told me to turn around and he put it in my butt. one bead at a time, as it got more uncomfortable, i started to whine about it. i was promptly slapped on the ass, hard. i didn't want this, i wasn't feeling in the mood.
i was told to turn around and put my mouth on his dick.

in the middle of my sniveling, sobbing, poor-me routine, i realized it isn't ABOUT me. it's about him. and how would i feel if i just wanted to cum and he pulled that shit with me? where not only does he plainly not want to do it, but he's making a big chore out of doing so. and once this clicks ... i feel i can't just transition into being a good girl and doing what i'm supposed to and enjoying it, because then my pride will be hurt somehow. then he'll know. i don't really understand why this whole thing is such a hard concept to grasp. this is what i WANT. why can't i just give in?

afterwards, i'm made to look up at him, my snot running down my face, the taste of him cum on my lips and he asks, 'do you feel owned?' and i nod. i do. 'do you feel controlled?' and i nod. i do.

'you can take it out' and i collapse into his lap and ask him to do it for me. i am then told to go wash it, after which i run to the bathroom to hide my humiliation.

it's bed time, but i can't.

i'm not tired.

i can't go in there and cuddle, i still need to think things through! i need to feel broken and used and internalize all that.

i think sometimes i need to be left the broken heap curled up on the floor.

i need those minutes alone to recollect myself, because i never realized i had this much pride.

--

we've decided to start over a bit and slooooow down. we're going to focus on one or two rules a week. i'll have nightly spankings, the number of which will depend on how many infractions i manage to accumulate.

Rainy Day

it's rainy and really icky outside today. it's cold and windy and it's literally been raining all day long. not a hard rain, just a constant, annoying drizzle. normally, i enjoy days like this. my housemate and i are making soups and we've got a fire going so we're nice and cozy. we also chose today to start cleaning things thoroughly, so there's books and shit just everywhere. i want to snuggle up with my pillow and take a nap.

i also, for some unknown reason, really really want B to use me.
i really want to be thrown around like a rag doll and objectified, and raped perhaps. i told him this and he very much liked the idea. the problem being the distance, of course.
"i'd force you to your knees and shove my cock in your mouth," he said ... which totally turned me on.
"and fuck my throat til i gag?" i suggested.
"and if you do, i'll have to take it out and slap you, and remind you to be a good girl."
we bantered back and forth like that for awhile. my favorite part being where he told me he would use all my holes til i was sore and he'd make sure my ass was red.
and in ten days, he could really do that.....


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speaking of which, i leave for my visit with B in exactly eight days from today. next sunday. one week from tomorrow. i've been told i'm to send him a picture every day until i leave, either with my webcam or my cell phone, and if B likes the picture i'll get one in return. so today i sent one of me with no makeup on and he sent me one of him as a reward. he's so handsome, it was nice to see his face in a picture just for me :]

i'm really enjoying how our relationship is developing.
i remember reading something Persephone said about how it should be something that devlopes naturally between two people. i completely agree.
B isn't sadistic, but he's said he'll hurt me if he knows i'll enjoy it. not seriously wound me, but that's not what i want anyway. he wants to take care of me and i really like that.
i don't, and am not going to, call him 'master' or 'daddy' or any of that and am glad that he doesn't ask me to. i do call him 'sir' when i'm trying to be serious or playful, or just trying to be good, and i personally like that.
i don't think i need a lable to know that he owns me, but B did speak of making a paddle with his signature on it, so i'd have it imprinted on my ass. i told him i'd wear his mark proudly.