Just a Dream

i'm laying with my head on your thigh as we watch TV. you've got your hand on my hip and i'm curled around your arm. i sigh contentedly and snuggle closer. then it hits, that feeling and i squeeze my legs together very gently hoping you won't notice my squirming. i bite my lip and decide to just ask. i turn around so i'm looking up at you.
"sir?" i say, a bit timid.
"yes, sweetie?"
"would you please fuck me?" i ask meekly
you chuckle and squeeze my hip. i'm afraid you'll say no.
"do you think you deserve it?" you ask me seriously.
i think for a second and reply, "yes sir, i do."
you chuckle again and tell me i should prove it and suck you off. i giggle as i stand up and am told to strip. i then get to my knees between your legs as you remove your pants. i come up between your legs and put my hand on your dick. you're already hard so i kiss it and gently suck it into my mouth. you let out a little moan, and i love your noises. i move my tongue around a bit against you as i pull my mouth up and add a hand. i keep going until you grab my head and tell me that you're about to cum and i better swallow it like a good little girl. i feel you tense up and moan as you cum, and i obedienly swallow every last drop.
"mmm," you say, "you are a good little girl! now, i want you to face the couch."
i scoot in front of the couch and put my elbows up on it. i feel you behind me, so i open my legs. you put one hand on my hip and slide yourself inside me, we both gasp. you put your other hand on my hip and pull me closer, holding me tight as you pull in and out of me. i moan and you quicken your pace just a bit.
"you are to ask permission to cum," you growl into my ear.
"yes, sir," i manage to reply.
"good girl," you murmur as you reach across my chest to grab my throat, pulling me closer but not quite cutting off air. with the other hand, you reach around and begin to rub my clit and i moan. you pound into me, not very fast but very hard and as deep as you can go. it's all i can do as i keep myself supported on my arms, that feeling creeping ever closer.
i can feel the pressure building and i try halfheartedly to get away, it feels too good, but you hold me in place and chuckle. i claw at the material of the couch with one hand, and just hold the arm across my chest with the other.
"may i please cum, sir?" i pant.
"hmmm," you say, "i don't know ... do you think you deserve it?"
i moan, i'm so close.
"yes sir!" i cry, as you chuckle.
"please," i moan, half afraid you're going to say no and it'll be too late.
"cum for me, little one," you growl into my ear. and i do. hard. i dig my nails into your arm and am shaking like crazy. i can feel it run down your legs. you thrust into me, hard, as my spasms die down until finally you tell me to turn around and you shove my mouth onto your cock just as you start to cum, and again i swallow like a good girl.
you kiss me and i thank you, and we snuggle back on the couch, still naked.



------

just yesterday, i was asked to be his.
i acceped, and could not be happier.
nine more days :]

Hit fast-forward .... Please?

i get to go see my love interest [boyfriend? future owner?] in a little over a week.
everything is absolutely amazing.
what i found i couldn't properly explain, he's gone off on his own and researched. and has taken a huge liking to what he's found.
we've discussed the idea of him owning me and he absolutely loves it. even wants to make sure i can always wear my collar -- when it comes time, obviously. we both believe this isn't something we should just jump into.


however, i do anticipate an amazingly good time when i get down there.
i've been told i'll be leaving sore. *giggles* and i'm anxiously awaiting that prospect.

Submissive? Slave? Girlfriend?

i've found in the last week or so in my attempt to openly and honestly explain what it is that i want and need [and boy, is it hard! frustrating for me in a way he has no idea about] i'm learning more and more. i'm frantically clicking from website to website to find some sort of information that can describe what i'm trying to say and finding absolutely nothing, which of course forces me to further try to put into words my feelings.
i've never been good at this.
i've never been good at expressing emotions, in general. let alone to try to explain to someone that no, i don't mean i want you to beat me senseless.
it does lead to a very important question : what, exactly, does it mean to own or to be owned? what does that entail? it's different for everyone, i know, but still an intriguing question that i can't really answer. i know in my head what it means to submit - to put that person above you, to defer to them, to rely on them, to serve them and make them happy ... but what about the other way? while i can be agressive and such in daily life, i can't really find it in me to be the dominant partner ... and so i have no idea what it means to own someone.

however, some things that i have learned :
- i want to be owned, loved, protected, cherished.
- i want to be more than property, but still less than equal. i want to be the pet and the girlfriend.
- i really like traditional roles. [it's funny cos i was raised by a woman who's a feminist and currently live with and work with a few.] but really, i want the chivalrous prince charming type. i want to make his dinner and do his laundry. granted, with my own life, my own job, my own thing .... but that's what i want in our relationship. to be the 'yes, dear' mrs. cleaver type in my shirtwaste dress and red lipstick.
- i really, really, really like this guy. there are complications to our relationship above and beyond the horrible distance, but i love it. i jump at the chance to talk to him and my heart seems to do little flutters when i see his name pop up. i find myself *quite* smitten.

I met a boy.

something i didn't think would happen : i've met a boy.

when my last relationship ended [stopped? disappeared?] i decided i wasn't looking anymore. i signed up on CM and i've talked to a few people, but i never actively sought anyone. i almost maybe ended up with a couple people [H & M, for example] but nothing i felt one hundred percent about it. something wasn't right.
i managed to end up six states away from my home and have continued not looking. i have needs and i've met those needs, but i never sought a relationship. then i went to a week-long festival that i attend every year. a vast majority of my circle of friends back home also attends this festival, so i ran into several people i knew.
i ended up getting really close to someone i hadn't really expected to. a boy from back home who i've always been friends with, always had a thing for. but he was always one i'd admired from afar and never dared to think about. once we ended up alone, we discovered we really clicked. and then we discovered we really clicked sexually, too. this is important because i've been in so many vanilla relationships where i'm far more sexual than my partner, and it causes a problem. not to mention i don't want to limit myself to someone who isn't open-minded at this point in my life. i, like so many other submissive girls, want to be owned. i can't expect that from someone who isn't open to the idea. but i digress -- we had *amazing* sex that even caused us to miss a concert we'd both wanted to see. i came closer to cumming than i have in a very very long time, and i had to make him stop -- we discussed it, but that's for another time -- and just ... omg. then we exchanged numbers and thoughts about visits.
i think the texting started almost immediately. as soon as i had service, i texted him as promised to give him my number. we've spoken everyday since and have decided to consider ourselves 'dating.' i've also been given permission to call him my boyfriend, a thought which makes me incredibly giddy. the unfortunate part is that, of course, he lives five states away and is moving to a sixth and even farther state. i've got my plane ticket and i'll be visiting for ten days in september!

he's not what i would consider to be 'vanilla' in the slightest, but the idea of D/s as more than just a game is new to him but he's amazingly receptive and has loved everything i've put to him.
i told him about my rape fantasy, and he's got a whole scene planned for us. i've been given little details, but obviously he won't tell me the whole thing. the fact that he's so into it is very very arousing and i'm excited and nervous to see what he's come up with.
i also told him that i'm a grown-ass little girl and sometimes i need to be spanked. that sometimes i want to be put in my place... a thought to which he's also taken a liking.

i absolutely love that i'm able to express myself and tell him exactly what i'm thinking and what i need. or, close to it. i've always found talking about what i call my 'darkness' is really difficult. i feel silly telling another adult, another person at all, that i want to be slapped, tied up, choked, forced to the ground and forced to submit ... there's a part of me that still thinks it's wrong to think like that. or that he's going to think i'm sick and depraved and not want me anymore.
and everytime, i'm surprised at how willing he is to give me what i need.
i think that we are going to have an amazing relationship. i can already see how much we're going to grow and change together and it's a very very exciting prospect.

i am so happy in a way i haven't been .... ever, i think.

Some kind of crazy.

i know, i'm horrible with updating this thing.
i never have anything to write!! my life is at a stand-still.

i'm moving back to connecticut at some point this summer. the school i want to go to is in nyc, so it won't be so bad. i know i'll be back, i love my city!

since i have nothing really interesting to write about, i'm going to start posting pictures i've found.
i've discovered a couple AMAZING photographers that i just ... LOVE. like, i would die if they found me & asked me to pose for them. or do makeup for them. just ... i'd just die.

So this one is just of a girl with orange hair, lovely orange panties, and the coolest stockings i've seen like ... ever. i can't remember who the model is, but she's simply ... stunning. i love the simplicity of the photo, too. just her against a plain wall with some awesome lighting. i would really love to look that amazing in a photo. or to make someone else look that amazing, i'm not picky.

Rainy Day Pt1

i'm sitting in the living room, phone to my ear.
'what's the plan?' you ask. you know me, i'm not good at making plans. i giggle uncertainly and suggest the lake. it's been beautiful all week and what could be better than a short hike around the lake? you say this sounds like a great idea & you can't wait to see me.

------

when you get here, i'm not quite ready, as usual. it's cold outside, so i make sure to grab a hoodie. then i run a comb through my hair, put on my shoes, and run out the door.
you're standing in the parking lot, smoking a cigarette. you grin when you see me & encompass me in a great hug before throwing down your cigg and opening the car door for me.
you turn the car on and look at me.
'it's going to rain, you know,' you say. i look up at the dingy grey overcast sky and frown, my only idea is clearly not going to work.
you suggest we go to the lake anyway , as we've got nothing better to do.
when we pull up at the lake, it hasn't started raining yet, so we decide to step outside.
everything's going well, we're chatting and having a great time. then it starts to rain & i start to complain about how cold it is.
'let's go back to my car,' you suggest. we spend the next half hour fidling with the radio station & the MP3 player on my phone. you sit back, exasperated at the lack of good music.
'i should've brought CDs,' you say. 'i should've thought of something better to do,' i say.
during this hunt for music, you've casually put your hand on my thigh ... and i've casually put my hand on top of your's.
we go for another half hour or so with casual flirting, casual touching. looking through eachother's phones.
then you look at me. you take my face in your hands and lean in, slowly, slowly, and kiss me. hard. no tongue, just your lips on mine. my world spins for a minute & i think i actually gasp.
lips part, tongues meet, i think i melt as i put my hand on your neck.
we break apart after what seems like hours & i smile shyly.
'i think i got my lipgloss on you,' i say. you smile & i don't think you care.
you go in to kiss me again & look at me like you just can't get enough. i'm a drug & you need your fix.

I'm trying to deal with it, being different & all that.

a thousand times i've come to this page & started to write something. a thousand times, i've turned around and erased everything i've written.
i've noticed it's really really hard to write a 'sex blog' when you aren't having any.
the last time i got laid was ... october. and every relationship i've attempted to start has failed, mostly due to myself.
what's a girl to do?

sometimes i feel totally, utterly alone.
other times, i really feel like if i had someone i'd hate it. i'd be smothered or something.
i've been really depressed lately and just ... not in a good state of mind.

i'm looking into schools for makeup artistry!
i figure if i'm depressed, then i'm going to have to fix it.
and what better way than learning things & doing something with myself?

i guess i don't really have anything much to say ... but my last entry being in february made me feel a bit depressed.