Do you feel owned?

over the past few weeks, things have gotten pretty lax around here.

sometimes i feel like i'm too much for him to handle. and like he's going to just give up on me sooner rather than later. it's not his fault i just can't seem to accept things sometimes. that i like to lash out and act a bit irrationally. or that i have a tendency to very seriously revert to childlike actions.

today, i think, he had enough.

i'm messy down there at the moment, which naturally limits what i can do to relieve him. i haven't wanted to do much of that at all the past couple weeks, and i can't honestly give a reason why. so today i was told to take care of him. i begged off and asked to do it later, to which i was told 'alright, but you aren't going to like it!'

let me preface this next by saying ... i hate having things in my butt. i don't know why, and i know it's a rather new thing. i've done anal before with old partners and it wasn't bad. with him, it's terrifying and just an awful experience. i don't know what got into my head about it, but i wish i did. the problem is entirely that i can't relax enough for it to a be enjoyable and b stop hurting.

i was on my knees in front of him. he told me to turn around and he put it in my butt. one bead at a time, as it got more uncomfortable, i started to whine about it. i was promptly slapped on the ass, hard. i didn't want this, i wasn't feeling in the mood.
i was told to turn around and put my mouth on his dick.

in the middle of my sniveling, sobbing, poor-me routine, i realized it isn't ABOUT me. it's about him. and how would i feel if i just wanted to cum and he pulled that shit with me? where not only does he plainly not want to do it, but he's making a big chore out of doing so. and once this clicks ... i feel i can't just transition into being a good girl and doing what i'm supposed to and enjoying it, because then my pride will be hurt somehow. then he'll know. i don't really understand why this whole thing is such a hard concept to grasp. this is what i WANT. why can't i just give in?

afterwards, i'm made to look up at him, my snot running down my face, the taste of him cum on my lips and he asks, 'do you feel owned?' and i nod. i do. 'do you feel controlled?' and i nod. i do.

'you can take it out' and i collapse into his lap and ask him to do it for me. i am then told to go wash it, after which i run to the bathroom to hide my humiliation.

it's bed time, but i can't.

i'm not tired.

i can't go in there and cuddle, i still need to think things through! i need to feel broken and used and internalize all that.

i think sometimes i need to be left the broken heap curled up on the floor.

i need those minutes alone to recollect myself, because i never realized i had this much pride.

--

we've decided to start over a bit and slooooow down. we're going to focus on one or two rules a week. i'll have nightly spankings, the number of which will depend on how many infractions i manage to accumulate.

Toys!

today, we went to our first adult store.

not our very first evar, but our first together.
i think that's pretty momentous.
we spent some time looking around and giggling at things. checked out their cheesey BDSM section. we get better toys from Home Depot. *snickers*
we wandered down the anal aisle, b picking things up and me cringing.

at some point the decision was made that either i pick an anal toy, or b would.

when we left the store, i had a brand-new lucid dreams #22 complete with fresh batteries ... and it. a purple jelly set of 'beginner' anal beads.

Absence

i haven't written in a very long time and for that, i apologize. some shit has been going on and i have the worst memory ever.
rather than rush to and post something just to post something, i'm just letting you guys know something's coming. that's a lot of somethings.... but i think you get my drift.

watch for me, little monsters!

project orgasm

I'm late but I wanted to go ahead and join in anyway. Fellow Blogger LG created project orgasm to discuss the different ways we cum. Brilliant idea and I've been having fun reading everyone's posts. I don't have a special orgasm... other than the fact that I don't have multiples so I wanted to talk about that.

My all time favorite way to cum is via my owner's tongue. I have no idea what he does but its amazing. My legs are spread and he usually puts his arms around my thighs, holding me to him. He makes me hold myself open so he has unimpeded access to my clit. Then he gets to work with how tongue and magic happens. I feel myself get wetter and I get lost in the sensation, my hips move a little on their own. This is usually when his two middle fingers find their way inside me. I like it best when he ribs hard on that certain spot on the top wall of my cunt, but sometimes he likes to make the 'come hither' motion which is so intense I literally cannot lay anywhere near still.
I sometimes get that 'need to pee' feeling that signifies squirting, but its too intense and I can't relax enough to do it. When my owner goes back to less intense fingering, I literally get lost in the pleasure. Sometimes he has to tell me to cum cos I basically forget. It just feels amazing. No little thrills, tho, just one steady amazing build up. It keeps building until I do cum, and its earth shattering. I usually gush in a puddle in my owner's hand and on the bed. Not huge amounts, but enough to leave a wet spot.
My hands always leave their posts to grip the sheets as I writhe and moan and scream. My owner likes to keep going and drag it out, gripping me in place against him. I cum for what seems like forever, until I think I can't take it anymore, and then it ebbs and returns to the original amazing feeling, just a little more intense on my now-sensitive clit. I can cum again if he keeps going. Takes a little longer and is a bit stronger. My usually owner likes to take his mouth off and just use his fingers to get me back to that squirmy squirty place again. He likes it when I'm half in trears begging him to stop. Then we cuddle. Seems like an odd end but we're both extremely fond of cuddled.

So... that's my favorite orgasm. I hope you enjoyed reading about it and I hope you read the other submissions over at LG's place!
I really hope we get to do other contribution blogging posts. That was a lot of fun!

Urethra

the other morning, i ran to pee and had that strange almost painful sensation when it was done.

i then felt SERIOUSLY uncomfortable and ran to the bathroom not ten minutes later for another unsatisfying pee.

what does this healthy does of too much information lead to?

urinary tract infection.

i noticed it the morning previous, but it went away about midmorning so i sort of just forgot about it. B and i had really amazzzzzing sex .... and the next day it was rearing it's ugly head. of course, the sex SURE didn't help.

what's a girl to do when doctors are sort of not an option right now?

why, cranberry juice and garlic!

this sounds like an unhealthy alternative to modern antibiotics, BUT it works.

garlic is a natural anti-microbial and we all know cranberry juice flushes the system. so the garlic kills all the nasty bacterias and cranberry juice makes you pee it all out.

it worked because i caught it early enough, when it was just starting, and the bacteria hadn't really had a chance to latch on.

you have to keep an eye on your body, of course, because *if* it doesn't get better in the first couple days, you need a doctor pronto. and i know it's disgusting, but i figured i'd share because when you have lots of sex, as we kinky types are wont to do, it can lead to UTIs or worse, the dreaded yeast infection! i haven't had one of those ever in my whole life, thank Goddess, but i've had my fair share of UTIs. i personally *hate* taking antibiotics. makes me feel like shit. this, however? actually succeeded in making me feel ten times better.

Lovey-dovey

it's late and we have to go to bed, but i am directed towards his dick by my hair. i take him into my mouth and he moans, just a little. i love that sound, so i keep going. then i crawl on top of him, and put him inside of me and sink down til he's all the way in. i start moving, slow but hard, and he puts a hand on my hip and the other on my side, guiding me. i keep this pace. in the dark, all i hear are our combined little moans and sighs. i can feel the pressure building, mounting, until it releases and i'm left shuddering over him. he kisses me and laughs, then takes grip of my hips and moves me faster, harder, until i'm pushed off and my mouth is back where it started, his cum filling my mouth.

Five Days Later...

it's not that my rules are hard to follow, it's that i have a hard time not saying 'no'. i think i just want B to punish me. i'd been put in the corner twice for it already, so when i did it again last night i got a spanking. and somehow i felt .... content? afterwards.
i'm not sure that's a good thing, and i'm not sure how i tell him i want him to spank me more often. that seems backwards.
other than that, i think i've been doing really well at behaving and following my rules. 'cept for going to sleep/waking up on time. cos he's been lenient in some respects. i.e. last night, we both fell asleep at 10PM and woke up around 1.30AM .... and didn't go *back* to sleep til 5AM. altho, i tried, i really did. and as a result, i didn't wake up until 2PM. he let me, cos he knew i hadn't slept ... but still! i guess i should just force myself. get myself on schedule.

can someone tell me what it is about being told you're not allowed to masturbate that makes you want to do it even more?!